


it's getting harder and harder to get you to listen

by prettysweet



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Passively Suicidal Victor, Post-Break Up, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Therapists, also yuuri won the barcelona gpf, bc yuuri and viktor would never break up, handjobs, just a -lil- bit, like he should have, pretentious titles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-10-17 02:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10584186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysweet/pseuds/prettysweet
Summary: It’s a weird realisation when the thought comes to you that life continues outside of the story. That after your own personal fairytale finishes, your life continues. After the love story, after the wedding bells, it keeps going. Beyond your wedding night, beyond the kids, beyond the divorce. It never stops. Not until death do us part– if your life is the romance novel. Viktor’s life is not a romance novel. It’s not the love cliche he thought it once was.





	1. you sit and try sometimes but you just can't figure out what went wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody takes nearly a year to get over their ex– Viktor is pathetic. November 2019.

It’s a weird realization when the thought comes to you that life continues outside of the story. That after your own personal fairytale finishes, your life continues. After the love story, after the wedding bells, it keeps going. Beyond your wedding night, beyond the kids, beyond the divorce. It never stops. Not until death do us part– if your life is the romance novel. Viktor’s life is not a romance novel. It’s not the love cliche he thought it once was.

When Viktor Nikiforov’s fiancé of four years left him, more than just his heart broke– he felt his own personality, he felt the growth he’d done over the past seven years simply wash away. When Viktor Nikiforov’s fiancé of four years had been absent from his life for over six months, Viktor still did not take his no longer glowing ring off. When Viktor Nikiforov saw his ex-fiancé skate for the first time after leaving him, he did not cry– for the first time after he’d left him, he smiled. He smiled because, for the first time after the breakup, he saw Yuuri Katsuki as a beautiful figure skater, and not the man who tore his life apart. He smiled because maybe– just maybe, he was going to get through this. He knew that one day he’d be able to see Yuuri as an ex-lover, and not someone he was hopelessly in love with. For the record, Viktor was still hopelessly in love Yuuri, his brain still had the mentality that Yuuri was the one– that Yuuri was the love of his life. And maybe Yuuri was the love of his life, maybe Viktor would never stop loving him, but Viktor knew he couldn’t use the rest of his life waiting around for him. He was only thirty-two, he still had so much of his life to exploring. A life that didn’t include competitive figure skating or Yuuri Katsuki.

Viktor stared down at his phone, his lock screen containing a kissy photo of him and Yuuri. It was four o’ three on the sixth of November, 2019, and it had been six months since Yuuri had moved back to Detroit, leaving Viktor behind. Viktor was watching the short programs for the Cup of China in the Grand Prix series, where Yuuri had been placed. As usual, Yuuri was in first place by a huge margin. While Viktor and Yuuri never managed to get married, Yuuri did, in fact, win the Grand Prix final four years in a row and had been the world champion figure skater two years running. Viktor thought back to the previous Worlds, where everything had fallen apart. He revisited the memories, for the first time since the incident. Yuuri had won gold, and Viktor hadn’t been there for him. It was as simple as that– that’s what made everything fall apart. At the time, Viktor thought that Yuuri was stupid, that he would never be able to understand why he wasn’t there. Viktor wasn’t around long enough to find out if Yuuri really did understand. Viktor still didn’t understand why Yuuri had gotten so mad at him. Sure, he lied. He lied a few times. But it was only for a couple days, and Viktor knew that Yuuri thought he was up in the stands– him thinking Viktor was there for him was the reason he won gold. He won gold. Viktor fiancé of four years won gold and decided to end it. It was a month after that incident did Yuuri actually end things with Viktor, but after Worlds, he knew he was done for. Viktor wondered if a piece of him always knew things were never going to end well after the first time Yuuri had told him he didn’t want to get married until he was ‘sure.’

Viktor knew he was a little bit extra– a little bit over the top, but how was Yuuri not ‘sure’ about marrying Viktor after he had taken a year over skating for him? Flown across the damn globe for him? Viktor retired so he could be with Yuuri full-time, and after all that, he still wasn’t ‘sure?’

Viktor’s mind spiraled, every time he thought of Yuuri his thoughts wandered. Why did he break up with him? What made Yuuri think they couldn’t get through that rough patch. Maybe because Viktor thought it was a rough patch and Yuuri thought it was a sign.

~

_“It’s not a rough patch, Viktor. This isn’t just another fight. This–” Yuuri paused to gesture between both of them, “Is over.”_

_“But, my Yuratchka, what about our four years together? One simple fight doesn’t end something like that,” Viktor tried in a calming voice. “You’re being too dramatic, Dorogoy.”_

_“See! This is why I’m calling quits, it’s because you never listen. Your ego is too big, or the fact that you can’t overlook my anxiety and see where my insecurities are coming from. You never listen, and World’s proved that,” Yuuri stated. “And don’t call my fucking ‘dramatic’ if you don’t even understand what’s going through my head.”_

_“I never would’ve made it with you through four years if I hadn’t listened to you, Yuuri. Please, just breathe, sweetheart. Don’t let your anxiety tear us apart. I love you.”_

_“So this is my fault, we’re breaking up because of my anxiety?”_

_“We’re not breaking up,” Viktor told him, his voice no longer calm, but shaky and unstable. “You cannot help your anxiety, Yuuri, but you can fight it, and I’m asking you to fight it now, for us.”_

_“Why won’t you listen to me!? This is over! We’re not together anymore. This is ending. I’m not your sweetheart or your dorogoy. I’m not yours.”_

~

“ _And here we have, Katsuki Yuuri, 28, coming to perform his short program: Million Reasons,_ ” The judge said through Minako’s tv at her apartment, where she’d invited Yuuri’s family over to watch it with her. She hadn’t seen him since World’s, and it had been nearly a year since Yuuri’s family had seen him. They’d barely talked to him since Viktor had left the picture. Viktor was a sore spot for all of them, they tended to avoid talking about him. No one had liked the fact that the two had ended things– everyone missed Viktor. But they couldn’t tell Yuuri that, they had to be there for him through his heartbreak. They really had all believed that those two were meant for each other. Some of them still did.

“I hope Yuuri can still skate after Viktor,” Mari chimed in as the music for Yuuri’s program began.

“I thought we agreed to not talk about Viktor?” Minako hushed her.

“Why not? It’s not like he’s actually here.”

“Shh! It’s starting,” Hiroko interrupted. The four of them stared at the screen intently as Yuuri pushed off his skates as Lady Gaga’s voice filled the stadium and the small living room.

“I can’t believe he went with Lady Gaga, he’s always been a classical guy,” Mari interrupted again but the rest ignored her and kept watching. They all thought that Yuuri wasn’t failing hopelessly yet; his step sequence was quite impressive. But they all saw the sorrow and emptiness in Yuuri’s eyes, despite his expressive skating. They all thought back to Yuuri’s press conference a month ago where he announced his theme for this season was ‘ _loss_.’

An impressive triple axel and toe loop later the music ended and Yuuri had only performed an emotional but average step sequence and two jumps during the whole thing. The family’s stomachs were in knots, but when the looked at Yuuri, they couldn’t see a single inch of panic. He looked calm, calmer than he’d ever been at a skating event. They watched Yuuri wait at the kiss and cry with Celestino as his scores were announced.

~

“Eighty-six point nine,” Viktor repeated at the television. It was the lowest score Yuuri had been given since Sochi, 2014. He hadn’t even thrown a quad into his program. Viktor studied Yuuri’s face as he left the kiss and cry, but as usual, it was unreadable. Viktor was surprised when the first thing he felt since hearing Yuuri’s score was a disappointment. Viktor then realized it was because as soon as Yuuri entered the ice rink, he entered that coaching mentality again. He had to remind himself he was not Yuuri’s coach, he wasn’t his boyfriend, he wasn’t his fiancé and he wasn’t even a friend of Yuuri’s. He wasn’t a supporter, and he wasn’t really a fan. He supposed he was just someone Yuuri used to wake up next to. Viktor sighed and turned off the television. He didn’t want to watch anymore skating– he didn’t even want to know what place Yuuri had gotten. And as for his other skating friends like Seung-gil and oldest-skater-on-the-ice Christophe, he simply didn’t care. Ever since World’s he’d cut himself off from everyone– isolated himself. He hadn't even been to the rink. It wasn’t like he needed to though, he didn’t need to go back onto the ice ever again, hell, he didn’t even need to leave his apartment again. He had enough money to live until he was a hundred and three.

Chris still texted him at least weekly, to see how he was doing. He almost never replied, and he knew he was giving off the impression that he still hadn’t gotten over Yuuri, which was true, but it sounded so pathetic. Over six months and he had barely improved. At least he wasn’t taking hour long showers to cry anymore. And he did leave the house to shop. Viktor didn’t know if being proud of himself for leaving the house to get groceries was more pathetic than not being able to get over someone in the span of six months. Viktor had admittedly googled how long it takes someone to completely recover from a heartbreak, and embarrassingly the average was three months. Viktor was hopelessly in love and a very pathetic excuse of a man.

~

“At least he didn’t look sad,” Chris added.

“That’s true, he’s so much less emotional these days. For some reason that seems like a big red flag to me. I never know what’s going on inside his head, you know? I try to ask him what he’s feeling but he never lets me in. He hasn’t even had a proper conversation with his own family since it happened. I really think he should see a therapist or a counselor or someone,” Phichit vented. “I’m just so worried about him.”

“We’re all worried about him– Viktor, too. Viktor hasn’t been skating or working and he barely talks to him, I’m thinking I should fly myself over there myself and talk some sense into him, I mean it’s been six months,” Chris suggested with complete seriousness.

“Maybe you should visit him after the Rostelecom Cup, we’re both assigned for that, right?”

“Yeah, we are. Where will Yuuri be during that time?”

“He’s with us at the Rostelecom Cup, even though he won’t say it. I can see why he won’t bring up if he’s assigned there though, the chances of him seeing Viktor are high,” Phichit reasoned with himself, checking the time to see how much longer it was until Yuuri was home from his extra hours at the rink. He still had twenty minutes.

“Yeah. I wish we could just force them together– put them in a room together until they figured everything out,” Chris admitted. He hated his friends being torn apart at the separation, even though he knew they both had chosen this path, and he had to respect that.

“I wish we could do that too, as disrespectful as it is. I wish we could at least find out what happened between them. Yuuri explained it to me, but I knew he left parts out. Viktor wouldn’t just leave him because of ‘anxiety.’ Not after four years,” Phichit said, resting his head in his hands and sighing. “I should get going, Yuuri will be back soon.”

“Yeah, of course. It’s getting late here anyway. But you should talk to Yuuri about him seeing a therapist though,” Chris suggested.

“I will. Might be good for Viktor too, hey?” Chris nodded at the suggestion. “I’ll talk to you soon! I hope everything goes well in France next week!”  

~

Viktor stared at the shower in disgust, then down at his smelly form. It had been awhile since he’d bathed. Viktor had been taking baths daily, recently, not wanting to take a step into the shower. He didn’t want to repeat that hour long cry sessions as the hot water sprayed onto his back. But after yesterday, after seeing Yuuri come fifth at the Cup of China, he pushed himself to actually making progress in his heartbreak and lost love. He knew that Yuuri’s loss in competition was somewhat related to him, but if you didn’t know his and Viktor’s history, you would’ve just thought that Yuuri wasn’t on the ball those days, or that he didn’t have enough experience.

Viktor took a deep breath and stepped under the warm stream of water, quickly grabbing the soap and washing himself as quickly as possible. Five minutes into the shower, he realized this wouldn’t be a repeat of the last time he showered. He smiled to himself. He’d made progress, and that was all that mattered right now. He rested against the shower wall and took a deep breath. He looked down at the drain, at the tiled floor where once Yuuri had fucked at four am. Viktor smiled to himself, feeling his member come to life at the memory. Viktor rolled his eyes but decided to go ahead with it, it had been awhile since he’d done something like this, and he needed the release. Viktor closed his eyes as he traced his hands down his torso, brushing past his perked nipples. Viktor pushed all the thoughts of the break up from his mind and focused on pretending that Yuuri’s hands were doing all of this. Viktor traced his hips and eventually slid his hand over his semi-hard cock. With a few pumps, he was fully hard, the tip of his cock red and swollen. Viktor imagined Yuuri pumping his cock, he imagined his other hand tangled in Viktor’s soaked hair and his lips dancing over the others.

Viktor didn’t know what had happened next, but suddenly he had a hand full of semen and a face full of tears. There he was, back at square one.

~

Viktor stared down at his phone that showed him a picture of a shirtless Christophe Giacometti and that the topless man on his phone was calling him. He decided to answer it, after all, he was trying to improve.

“You answered! The most heartbroken Viktor Nikiforov finally answered his phone!” Chris shouted down the line with enthusiasm. “You’ve made some progress, huh?”

“Mhm,” Viktor grumbled.

“Baby steps. Anyway, it’s been nearly seven months and a certain someone still hasn’t recovered from a not-so-recent breakup.”

“Way to rub in my face, Chris,” Viktor snapped.

“I was just confirming it. But I am concerned, you know. Everyone’s concerned, especially after Yuuri’s performance at the Cup of China! The press has dozens of rumors now.”

“You think I don’t know this?”

“Someone is very grumpy,” Chris chuckled, trying to lighten up a very moody Viktor.

“Well, I just ended things with my fiancé of fours years so that might explain it.”

“Seven months ago. Seven months ago you ended things with Yuuri. It’s not recent anymore, you can’t keep moping about it forever.”

“I don’t plan on wallowing forever, but I don’t have anything else to do. I don’t a job, I don’t need to leave the house for anything apart from food, and I don’t have any real friends.”

“You have me. Which is why you need to leave that apartment hellhole and come live with me!” Chris suggested, full of excitement. “And once you’re here in Sweden and traveling around with me as my plus one for skating events, you can go see a therapist.”

“All of what you just said to me sounds like a terrible idea. I’m not coming to live with you, and I do not need a therapist,” Viktor stated stubbornly. “Also you have a goddamn husband and I so do not want to be around that.”

“Ok, I’ll admit, maybe coming to live with me is a bit of a stretch, but please consider seeing a therapist. It’s not like you can’t afford it,” Chris said, reminding him of his riches.

“I do not need to see a therapist.”

“Viktor, I have been to a therapist. Yuuri has been to therapists. There is nothing wrong with getting help– which you severely need. Please, please, please go. I hate seeing you not doing anything all the time and crying about someone you broke up with seven months ago.”

“Fine. But that’s all you’re getting out of me.”

“Yes!! This will be good. Also, sign yourself up to that new gym around the corner, okay? And stop isolating yourself, I’m sure your little Yuri Plisetsky would love to talk to you,” Chris pushed.

“Yes, okay. I’ll see what I can do. Is there anything else?”

“Just a reminder that I’ll be in Russia in a couple weeks and I’m forcing you to come see me in Moscow,” Chris chimed, waiting for the shitstorm to come with Viktor’s answer.  

“Ok. See you in Moscow, Idiot!”

~

Viktor lay on his back in the middle of his kitchen, a piece of bread that he munching on in one hand, and his phone with Yurio’s contact pulled up. Viktor had been staring at it for quite some time. He didn’t know if he could face the wrath of Yuri Plisetsky. He was bound to be mad after losing contact for six months. The last time he saw him was the night after he and Yuuri had actually ended things and he was drunk out of his mind and crying at his and Otabek’s apartment with their cats. After that, he kinda just never spoke to them again. Viktor made the plunge and dialed his number, holding the phone to his ear.

“Seven months,” A voice a lot lower than Yuri’s beamed down the phone. “Viktor Nikiforov, a legend in the figure skating world disappears for seven months.” Then it clicked– it was Yakov. He sounded a lot calmer than usual, which usually signaled rage no one has ever seen before. “He doesn’t contact his friends or family. He doesn’t tweet or Instagram. He disappears, like a selfish egotistical man like you would.”

“Yakov, I’m terribly sorry but I just wanted to talk to Yurio–“

“I do not care who you wanted to talk to! You worried everyone for your selfish reasons! You abandoned everyone at the rink, you’re parents have called me multiple times to see if you were still alive. Do you know what it’s like to deal with screaming parents who think their son is dead!? No! Because you’re a selfish little brat!” Yakov screamed down the phone.

“I’m sorry, Yakov, I’m just having a rough time, now if I could just speak with–“

“‘A rough time?’ You have a ‘rough time’ for seven months!? Look I heard Yuuri moved back to Detroit without you but you do not need to be so dramatic that you cause your parent’s to think you are no longer alive, you get that, brat?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Now come down to the rink, we need to figure out what to do with your crumbling social status,” Yakov declared. “No more moping around at home. I really hope you haven’t gained weight.” Viktor looked down at his body, it seemed to him he had lost weight. The lost muscle mass and the minimum amounts of food he’d eaten each day had really taken its toll on him.

“I’m not going to the rink. I’m sorry but I just lost something I love more than anything, so I’m sorry if my pain has inconvenienced you. Pass the phone over, would you?” Viktor growled down the line, sick of Yakov’s shit. If he was honest, he was sick of everyone’s shit. He was sick of everyone telling him to move forward with his life. It was his life and he could wallow in heartbreak for as long as he fucking liked.

“Asshole. Where have you been?” Yuri asked as he was handed his phone over. His voice didn’t have much anger as it usually did, and Viktor could sense Yuri being gentle with him.

“I’m sorry, Yuri. I just– Well you know what happened. I didn’t mean to stop talking to you– especially for this long. I’m just in a lot of pain, /still./ I just wanted to catch up. Would you like to come over this afternoon?” Viktor asked.

“Sure. What time will your maid be done cleaning up around there?”

“Four o’ clock sounds good.”

“Okay. Otabek will be with me. Bye.”

~

“So you’re going to the Rostelecom Cup, where Yuuri will be?” Otabek asked, blowing the steam of off a cup of tea Viktor had handed him.

“Well, yeah. I can’t avoid him forever!” Viktor told them, trying to convince him that he was one hundred percent okay with talking and seeing Yuuri. Which was a lie.

“I keep going to say that you’re handling the breakup maturely, but then I remember you wallowed for seven months,” Yuri spat out, ignoring his loganberry tea.

“Okay, but we were together for four years,” Viktor reasoned.

“You’ve always been over the top, old man.”

“I’m only thirty-two, thank you very much. So Otabek, where are you assigned this year?”

“Uh, I came back from Canada a week ago, and I’m off to France, with Yuri, next week. Then it's the GPF in Japan. Will you be attending?"

"Yakov would kill me if I didn't. So Tokyo, right?"

"Where else would it be, asshole?" Yurio snarled. Viktor sensed that he knew that Viktor was definitely not okay with seeing Yuuri. Viktor hoped he wouldn't exploit that.

"And Yuri, you'll be attending Skate America?" Viktor asked, trying to save the slowing and honestly quite boring conversation.

"Yeah. Two weeks. You should come with me– pig won't be there," Yuri suggested.

"No thanks, I'd like to spend as much time away from Yakov as possible, he's pissed at me disappearing."

"Oh. Yeah, I get that. So, you're like, over Yuuri now, right?"

"Well, like, no. But I don't cry every day so I am... making progress, you could say."

"That is something," Otabek chimed. "Uh, Yuri and I actually have an early dinner to get ready for, so we should probably get going now. Sorry to cut things short," Otabek apologized, without a hint of empathy in his voice.

"Oh! Right, well I hope you have a great time with your dinner," Viktor told them as ushered the pair out of the door. While he did feel hurt that they left so soon, he was relieved to be alone again. He did feel a lot better after some real-life social interaction, even though the thought of Yuuri still hung low above his head. He texted Chris, to say that he did talk with people, even if it was only for twenty minutes. Chris said he was proud of him but it was 'two fucking am' in Sweden.

Viktor fell back onto the large couch cushions where he and Yuuri had cuddled at least a hundred times. Viktor didn't even think before tears were cascading down his cheeks.

 _Seven months_. He didn't want to feel like this anymore.

~

“Traumatic? Can heartbreaks even be traumatic?” Viktor questioned as he looked around the plain white room, decorated with posters about various mental illnesses.

“They can be, some heartbreaks can leave permanent psychological damage. Now I’m not saying that in your case, but the breakup you went through does sound similar to a traumatic event. Some of the habits you’ve picked up after your break up sounds similar to symptoms of PTSD,” The woman sitting across from him said rather casually.

“PTSD?” Viktor questioned, there was no way he could develop PTSD from a _breakup_. That was the most pathetic thing he’d ever heard of.

“I’m not saying you have PTSD, there is nothing wrong with you. But it seems you’ve almost kind of developed an emotional PTSD. You said you’ve become more anxious, right? And you avoid places that remind you of him? Those are similar to post-traumatic stress. It can be quite concerning, especially after you’ve been experiencing it for so long.”

“Well, yeah. I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“I could always refer you to a GP for antidepressants if that would help?” She suggested.

Viktor’s dull blue eyes widened, “But I don’t have depression!”

“No, you don’t. But they would help, and from what I can tell you won’t feel back to normal for a very long time. I’ll write a referral to your local GP and you can decide if you want me to send it or not, okay?”

“Okay,” Viktor answered despite having already made up his mind. There was no way he was going on antidepressants.

“Wonderful. Now it seems our time is up, is there anything else you’d like to go over?”

“Uh, well, from your point of view, would it be a good idea to see him? Not like hang out, but all of my friends are going to this thing in a couple weeks, he included, and I was wondering if I should just avoid him?”

“I mean really it’s completely up to you, but my advice is to not consciously avoid him, but don’t go looking for him either. Be with your friends, and if he’s there, he’s there,” The woman– Viktor remembered her name being Jane– advised.

“Thank you, so much. Um, can I see you next week?” Viktor said, surprised at himself for wanting to come here again when he was so reluctant to a week ago.

“Is twelve good for you?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Thank you, again. Have a nice week!” Viktor cheered, beginning to exit the small room.

“You too!”

~

Viktor stared up at the white ceiling, covered in shadows for the light streaming in through the curtains. He had his phone is hand, contemplating calling Chris. He told him to call him after his session, but more than anything, he just wanted to lie down and process everything.

He thought about the ‘emotional PTSD.’ Had Yuuri damaged him that badly? Did Yuuri feel the same, did he feel as hurt as Viktor did? He thought about the past seven months, and how avoiding the topic of Yuuri had really become his life for the time being. He thoughts about the seven months of tears because he couldn’t stand to live somewhere where Yuuri wasn’t. He missed Yuuri. He wanted Yuuri back more than he wanted the feeling of despair to go away. He wanted to feel happy again; he wanted to feel lovable again. He didn’t ask for any of this.

Hours later he’d come to the conclusion that he would’ve rather not been with Yuuri at all than going through all this pain.

Then, he called Chris.

“Did you go see her?” Chris asked, not bothering with a greeting. Viktor breathed out a yes before feeling wet patches of tears on his cheeks. He tried to stop the sobs from escaping, just like he tried to keep Yuuri close to him.

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.”  



	2. the rings are ringed out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That doesn’t matter anymore, he’s gone now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus points if u get the title reference

_Viktor often thought that over the past two years he’d grown. His confidence especially. Whose confidence doesn’t grow after becoming the world’s best figure skater? Sometimes, when Viktor looked at Yuuri in a certain light, he realized how much fresher and lighter Yuuri looked with two gold Grand Prix Final medals, unlike Viktor years ago with his two gold medals. Yuuri looked happy and proud of his accomplishments. Viktor pre-Yuuri wouldn’t have thought twice about them, all he cared about was finding someone he loved. Now, Viktor only cared about the person he loved and loved him in return. He didn’t care about his winnings or his status. He cared about his life with Yuuri, his life with Yuuri that would forever be his. **  
**_

_~_

_“I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. He told me he still wasn’t sure. It’s been three years, Makkachin. Why won’t he marry me already? I love him and he loves me. We barely have any problems,” Viktor complained to the dog lying across his lap.  “Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s because we ‘barely’ have any problems– we need to have none.” Viktor reached for the notepad lying on the coffee table and pulled it onto his lap. He took out the attached pen and uncapped it. If he was going to fix all their problems, he’d need to recognize them. He wrote down the first few that came to mind._

  1. _yuuri’s anxiety  
_
  2. _I spend too much money on yuuri  
_
  3. _yuuri doesn’t like me never talking about my family.  
_



_There. Three things they could work on. He knew he could definitely ease up money-wise. He opened his laptop and worked out a much lower weekly budget so he couldn’t spend more than Yuuri would want. Now the two difficult ones– anxiety and yucky family members. Yuuri knew Viktor had troubles with his family, he knew he was uncomfortable about talking about them. But if it meant marrying Yuuri, he would do it, it wasn’t like all of his childhood was soiled– he could talk about the happy memories, he could even arrange a visit to see his ninety-nine-year-old grandmother, hell, he’d even see his dad if it meant being tied to his beloved for eternity. And for Yuuri’s anxiety, well, he could organize an appointment with a psychologist, maybe get him on some meds other than emergency Xanax's. Viktor picked up the pad again and began writing other inconveniences the couple were facing._

  1. _yuuri’s anxiety - meds & therapy (Wingrove clinic)_
  2. _I spend too much money on yuuri - weekly budget_
  3. _yuuri doesn’t like me never talking about my family - talk about more happy things **♥**_
  4. _travelling different places without each other for skating events_
  5. _We both have different close friends_



_Looking down at the list, he decided he needed to hold a party with Yuuri’s friends and Viktor’s friends so they could mingle. The line ‘you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,’ came to mind. He scheduled a party date in his calendar in a months time– that should be enough time to organize it. Viktor smiled to himself, proud of himself for finally deciding to do something about their dilemma. Viktor’s thoughts wandered at number 4. He didn’t want to retire, as old as he was. He was going to be thirty this year, and he’ll be the oldest skater on the ice– ever. Maybe it was time to retire. If he retired then he would marry Yuuri. That was the ultimate goal here. So, that meant he had to retire._

_~_  
  


_“Viktor! No, no. Please, don’t do that. You love skating!” Yuuri argued with him, straddled in his lap, making puppy dog eyes at Viktor._

_“But, solnishko, I am almost thirty. It’s just time for me to retire,” Viktor pleaded. “Please, just let me do this.”_

_“Only if it’s for you, and not for me or a friend or a certain relationship, okay? I want you to retire for yourself,” Yuuri told him, smiling._

_“I assure you, I want this,” Viktor lied, smiling back at him. He really wanted to marry Yuuri, but he had to do this to get there. “More than anything. I want to devote all my time to you from now on.” Yuuri grinned._

_“Okay, good,” Yuuri breathed, placing his hands and forearms on Viktor’s chest and leaning in and kissing him. Viktor smiled into the kiss._

_“I’ll call Yakov today. Oh, and there was one more thing I wanted to run past you,” Viktor asked. “Actually there’s two things.”_

_“Go ahead.”_

_“Well, I know you’ve tried getting help for your anxiety before, but I was thinking you could give it another go.  Therapy, maybe? I could go with you. I just, I want to do this with you,” Viktor admitted, only half lying. Yuuri leaned back, looking in Viktor’s eyes, searching. “We’ve been growing together for two years, we’ve been doing great like this. I want to make this jump with you, I want to see you become a better person.”_

_“So I’m not a good person now? My anxiety makes me a bad person?” Yuuri questioned, his brows furrowing._

_“That’s not what I said. I want you to trust me, Yuuri. That’s what I’ve always wanted. And, if making this journey with you will do that, I will do it. I want to grow with you, Yuuri. I want to be there for you– I want to know you completely,” Viktor told him, with complete sincerity. All of what he’d just said was true, he just left out his prime motivator– tying the knot._

_“Alright. I’ll book a therapist, and we can attend the first session together?” Yuuri agreed, almost glowing at Viktor’s pledge._

_“Of course. Now, I thought it would be a good idea to hold a dinner party, get all our friends together?”_

_“Uh, why?”_

_“It’s just been a while since we’ve seen all of them together at the same place. I can book a hotel for all of them, we could go out, get drunk. Have a nice dinner here? I just feel like I need to socialize. It’s up to you really,” Viktor suggested, now his turn to make puppy eyes._

_“Viktor, do what you need. Just make sure there are not too many people, okay?” Yuuri asked. “And would love it if I had nothing to do with the organizing. I just want to focus on the upcoming season, okay?”_

_“So you’re trusting me with the guest list?”_

_“I guess I am,” Yuuri giggled. Viktor beamed, pulling Yuuri towards his chest and squeezing the sh*t out of him. “Sooo, I better shower,” Yuuri started, kissing Viktor between words. “Care to join me?”_

_“Always.” Yuuri awkwardly climbed off of Viktor, laughing the entire time at his own clumsiness, Viktor only stared at him like he was moving with the utmost grace. “You look at me like I’m that girl from Swan Lake.”_

_“You are definitely better than ‘the girl from Swan Lake,’ let me tell you that much,” Viktor told him, getting off the couch and following Yuuri closely behind. He wrapped himself around Yuuri, walking both of them slowly to the bathroom, Viktor’s head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder. Right then, right there, Viktor felt complete trust and happiness. He felt utterly content. He was going to marry the love of his life._

_The pair reached the bathroom and stripped, Viktor turning on the hot water and bringing Yuuri under the stream with him._

_“Solnishko, I love you,” Viktor purred as he spun Yuuri around to face him, bring him close to his body and holding him tightly. “Moy Zolotse,” Viktor whispered into Yuuri’s damp hair._

_“Ai shitero yo,” Yuuri breathed into Viktor’s neck. “I love you so much.” Viktor swayed, them rocking together under a warm stream, steam billowing around them in clouds of love._

~

“And how did that make you feel, being that way with him?”

“It didn’t feel special… It felt right, I guess,” Viktor answered.

“And now you feel wrong?” Jane asked, jotting some things down on her pad.

“Yes. But not necessarily broken, just missing something. I don’t feel whole,” Viktor explained to not only Jane but himself too. He felt relieved that he was starting to identify what he was feeling.

“And you didn’t feel whole before Yuuri either?”

“No. Yuuri was what I’d been looking for my whole life. And now he’s gone,” Viktor told her. “I grew so much as a person when I was with him, I feel like my whole world has stopped. I can’t move forward without him.” Viktor looked down, he felt he was finally opening up. He tried as hard as possible to blink away tears, but he couldn’t fight them, locking in the crying-in-therapy cliche. Viktor looked up at her, not caring how he looked– he’d always been a pretty crier anyway. “I feel like he was my soulmate. I just can’t be without him,” Viktor cried.

“Viktor, why are you crying?” Jane asked, with curiosity instead of concern written on her face.

“I feel overwhelmingly relieved. I’ve never really had this conversation with myself before,” Viktor admitted.

“Mm,” Jane responded thoughtfully. “So, what you were telling me, about the first time you guys had a fight? Was it the list you made, was it that that caused the fight?”

~  


_“Viktor, I don’t want to cause a fight but, why are you doing all of this? You’re quitting skating, you’re taking me to therapy– You want me to trust you more. This isn’t about the wedding, right? I want you to do these things because you want to, not because of some stupid wedding,” Yuuri asked as he clicked in the seatbelt in the passenger seat in Viktor’s tesla._

_“Where is this coming from, zolotse? I’m doing this because I love you,” Viktor told him– now that wasn’t a complete lie. “What makes you think this wedding is stupid?”_

_“Well, it seems kind of pointless to me. I already know I want to be with you for as long as I can, I don’t need some papers to prove it. I get it’s a traditional thing but,” Yuuri paused to look over at Viktor, patting his knee, “I don’t want to feel like our goal is marriage. I want to be in the now.”_

_“Mm, I get that,” Viktor told him, eyes focusing on the road. Viktor replayed what Yuuri had just said over in his head. Viktor thought maybe all of this wasn’t worth it, but then the words ‘I want to be with you as long as I can’ came to mind and he found himself motivated to wed Katsuki Yuuri again. ‘As long as I can’ didn’t sound anything like ‘forever.’_

_Viktor and Yuuri’s session went well, they finished with some coping methods for his anxiety and a referral for Lexapro. They arrived home and fell asleep straight away, feeling like the session pulled a lot out of both of them._

_Two weeks later Viktor had finalized the organization for the weekend with friends, saved 25,659 roubles, attended two therapy sessions with Yuuri, gotten Lexapro for Yuuri and officially retired as a professional figure skater. While Viktor was sad about retiring, he knew whether the wedding was on or not, all of these things were good things. They were things he should’ve done regardless._

_Three weeks later Viktor could definitely see some improvement in Yuuri’s mental health, especially on a certain Saturday night when they were all getting drunk with Chris, Phichit, Minako, Yuri and Otabek. Viktor watched Yuuri that entire night– he watched him become even more confident in his ability to not fuck up a conversation. Viktor was proud of Yuuri, and it was a great distraction from him missing giving it his all for training at the rink._

_Four weeks later Yuuri found the list. And Viktor suddenly wanted nothing more than to run down to the rink and skate for hours. That night, he and Yuuri came closer than they ever had before to breaking up and Viktor swore to himself that he’d never do something behind Yuuri’s back again– he never wanted to come that close to losing him. He didn’t want to lose his Yuuri._

~

Viktor had realized then why they came so close to losing each other– if only he could figure it out now. He lied, but that doesn’t cause people who’ve been dating for four years to break up. He missed Yuuri’s free skate, but that doesn’t cause people who’ve been dating for four years to break up. He chose to be with someone else while Yuuri needed him, and maybe that’s why you end things with someone you’ve been dating for four years.

“I shouldn’t have made that list, I shouldn't've tried to fix everything, I should’ve been patient,” Viktor told her, taking a deep breath. “That doesn’t matter anymore, he’s gone now.”

“Maybe a lesson learned for another time, hey?”

“I guess,” Viktor nodded.

“Maybe it was everything, all building up inside of him. You said he had anxiety and depression, right?” Jane asked.

“Yeah, he did.”

“Maybe that’s why he kept it all inside, maybe he pent up all the small issues you two had gone through, and you not seeing what was going on inside his head was his last straw?” she suggested. Viktor looked up at the ceiling– he had just fucking stopped crying a second ago. He managed to blink away the tears, but his throat still felt constricted.

“That sounds right. But I may never know,” Viktor said, relaxing in his chair.

“You could ask him, he owes you that at least.” Viktor nodded, thinking about the suggestion. He stopped himself from telling her all the ways that would end badly and simply agreed with her. He had to talk to Yuuri, he needed the closure.

“You said traumatic heartbreak can come from sudden loss, right?” Viktor checked before continuing to speak. “I keep thinking, ‘what if it wasn’t sudden?’ What if Yuuri had given me a second chance and I didn’t notice? What if he had been giving me all the signs, and I was just too dumb to notice them?”

“Well, then he was ‘too dumb’ to notice that you hadn’t picked up on anything. You should never abandon someone so abruptly, and if he didn’t know that, or chose to ignore that fact, he owes you a lot more than an explanation.”

~  
  


“Chris!” Viktor yelled at the blonde haired thirty-year-old from across the airport.

“My Viktor! My little Viktor!” Chris cheered as he ran towards him with his luggage. He immediately enveloped him in an everlasting hug.

“I missed you so much! I’ve missed human contact!” Viktor almost shouted with excitement and relief that Chris was finally here. He thought to his weeping phone call he had made after his first therapy session. As soon as Chris had heard Viktor’s sobs he booked a flight to St. Petersburg. Luckily, he was only staying until they few days until they left for Moscow. Chris hadn’t said he’d leave after that, but Viktor knew he had to go back to his ‘hubby.’ They both finally pulled back from their hug and it was long before Chris was taking a few steps back to look at Viktor’s form.

“You’ve lost weight. And your muscles have fucking disappeared,” Chris noted. “Oh my god, you look like a twink!” Chris laughed.

“I am thirty-two! I do not look like a twink. Shut your cock-sucking mouth,” Viktor hissed at him. Chris was walking back towards him when he noticed a gleam of gold in the corner of his eye. Chris’s hand immediately shot out and grabbed Viktor’s left hand, inspecting his and Yuuri’s engagement ring. Chris met Viktor’s eyes with disgust and Viktor didn’t have enough time to explain before someone’s hand came into contact with his face. Viktor immediately cradled the hand print on his face, looking down at the gold ring in front of him. He then came to the realization that Chris had slapped him.

“What was that for!?” Viktor snarled, furrowing his brows in confusion.

“You’re still wearing the engagement ring! You idiot, you told me you were trying to make progress; _this_ is not progress,” Chris exclaimed, yanking the ring off of Viktor’s finger and slipping it into his own pocket.

“Hey! I need that,” Viktor whined.

“What is it going to look like in five days when you see Yuuri!?”

~

“I’ll take it off for the Restelecom Cup, Viktor won’t know I’ve been wearing it,” Yuuri argued, holding a tight grip on the golden ring slipped around his finger. Minako looked at him, smirking. “Don’t look at me like that! I’ve been going to therapy like Phichit suggested, so get off my back, would you?” Minako shook her head and slowly walked over to a very sweaty Yuuri and held out her palm.

“Give me the ring, or you don’t see my studio again,” she threatened. Yuuri sighed unhappily and slid the ring off his finger, looking at it one final time, longing to kiss it. “Since when did you become so extra?” Yuuri ignored the comment that sounded like something directed at Viktor and handed his ring over.

~

“So, Viktor, where have you planned to take me on my little vacation in Russia?” Chris asked, looking out the window of his cab.

“Uhm, well… I haven’t really planned–”

“Viktor Nikiforov hasn’t planned anything? Once I saw you for only four hours and then it was back to Sweden but you still packed in things for us to do. You got me blackout drunk at eleven am. And now? I’m staying for five days and you’ve planned nothing. You really are heartbroken,” Chris commented. Viktor stared guiltily at his lap. Chris was right; we wasn’t himself at all.

“Sorry,” Viktor apologized, avoiding Chris’s glare.

“And now legend Viktor Nikiforov is apologizing for something he can’t help.” Viktor turned his head at those words and smiled.

“I feel like you’re the only one in the world who doesn’t think this was my fault,” Viktor admitted.

“Everyone knows Yuuri broke up with you. I assure you, everyone knows that this wasn’t your fault, and you certainly can’t help your own thoughts and feelings.”

“Thank you… for everything. I’m so grateful you came down here. I don’t think I could’ve made it much longer without you,” Viktor thanked him, patting his knee like he used to do with Yuuri. Viktor repeated a mantra in his head: _don’t cry, don’t cry, please don’t cry_. Whenever anything related to Yuuri came up– which was everything– he tried his darn hardest not to cry. He only succeeded about half the time.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Chris asked, his face suddenly twisted with concern. “You wouldn’t’ve ‘made it?’”

“Well, what do you think it means?”

“Oh, Viktor. You should have told me,” Chris whined, reaching over to squeeze Viktor’s hand.

“Well it’s been seven months, it had to come up at some point,” Viktor informed him, feeling rather uncomfortable around the topic.

“Have you talked to Jane about it?” Chris asked while Viktor marveled at how he remembered her name.

“No.”

“So you don’t feel like this anymore, right?”

“Well, I still feel it. Yuuri’s gone, a piece of me is missing– I feel like I won’t ever stop feeling like this. I feel pathetic more than anything, though,” Viktor explained to him, surprised that he wasn’t choking on tears at this point.

“Get the referral to that GP. You need the meds, Viktor.” Viktor looked away from Chris and looked down at his hands, picking at his dry cuticles.

“Is it that bad?” Viktor asked. Chris only smiled in return. A moment of silence followed before Viktor was ranting. “No. I’m not using meds to get over Yuuri. I need to do this myself; I don’t need antidepressants. If I want any chance of moving forward, I can’t depend on anything. I depended on Yuuri for happiness, I can’t do the same thing on some stupid Prozac. I have to do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is @bootydreams/@traumadreams !! (one blog is gay one blog is mental illness)


	3. it's likely i've stopped breathing

_“Yuuri?” Hiroko whispered down the phoneline at the inn. “How is Italy, dear? Isn’t it getting late over there?” Hiroko tightened the red, thick and woolen cardigan tighter around his torso, finding herself shivering from the early morning cold wind, blowing through the open windows._

_“Mum, he ruined everything,” Yuuri cried. “Everything.”_

_“Who? Viktor? What he did do, my Yuuri? You did win gold at the championships, didn’t you?” Hiroko questions, running around the small-ish lobby of the inn, closing and locking the windows._

_“He lied,” Hiroko heard Yuuri croak. “He ruined everything. I can’t be with him anymore, Mum. I can’t–”_

_“Shh. Yuuri, please calm down. Now, ‘can’t,’ or ‘won’t?’” Hiroko asked him, speaking through her panic at Yuuri’s tears. ‘Can’t or won’t’ was a line Hiroko didn’t like to pull out often, but at times like this, when she felt Yuuri’s insecurity and anxiety eating away at him, she’d ask him this. The first time Hiroko had used this was at Yuuri’s first professional competition when he was sixteen. He had cried, and he said he couldn’t do it– then after he said he wouldn’t do it. An hour later Yuuri had a gold medal slung around his neck. Right now, despite having pulled out this line dozens of times before and had it work, Hiroko knew that Viktor was worth a lot more than a competition or a gold medal so she was worried that this time it wouldn’t work._

_“Can’t! He’s too blind– he’s a complete idiot,” Yuuri shouted. “He lied to me.”_

_Hiroko sighed while she finished closing up all the windows. She turned on the heaters and unlocked the front doors, setting up the inn for the day. “Yuuri. Just wait a while until you do anything drastic, okay? Viktor has lied to you before and back then you waited and everything was okay, wasn’t it?”_

_“Viktor will break up with me before I even get a chance to think about ending things,” Yuuri told her._

_“Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor would never do that. He loves you,” His mother told him, stern. Hiroko was honestly very tired of Yuuri’s anxiety– she was relieved when he had started therapy two years ago. If only Viktor hadn’t ruined it. “Yuuri, I think you need to go back to therapy.” Hiroko leaned on the front desk flipping through the pages in the bookings book._

_“I’ve been to therapy twice, and they both didn’t work out. I’m fine, mom.”_

_“Yuuri, you are crying to me on the phone at eleven pm across the world about your perfect boyfriend, who did something mildly wrong. You are acting like a teenager. Your mental health is even worse now than it was when you were a teenager,” Hiroko pointed out, feeling like she was just going through the motions of Yuuri’s antics, not really listen or giving any meaningful advice because of how many times she’d been through this with Yuuri._

_“Well, mom, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s getting worse. It’s been getting worse since I’ve been with Viktor– this has to end. I cannot be with Viktor anymore. Maybe I can’t be with anyone,” Yuuri reasoned._

_“Give it a month, Yuuri. Now, go back to bed with Viktor,” she told him, sighing. “And I’m very proud of you, my two years running world champion.”_

_“Thank you.”_

~

“Thank you for coming, Yuuri. I knew you needed it,” Hiroko told him, enveloping him in a hug as he arrived at the onsen. He’d arrived at the airport an hour ago and then gone to get lunch with Minako, and he was now back at the onsen with his family. It had been Hiroko’s idea for Yuuri to come back home for the week leading up until Nationals. They’d said they just wanted to visit him again but they all knew he’d be seeing a certain someone in a week, and they all knew Yuuri needed some support from someone other than Phichit– He had been overwhelmed with relief when he heard that Yuuri was going back to Hasetsu for a week, living with a heartbroken, emotional, mess had been tiring.

“I was thinking I could go back to the rink? With the Cup coming up I want to get all the practice I can in. Is that okay?” Yuuri asked, setting down his bags.

“That’s fine, Yuuri. Dinner will be ready when you come home, okay?” Hiroko told him. “Good luck.” Yuuri nodded and disappeared up to his room to change, greeting his father along the way. As soon as Yuuri was out of earshot, Hiroko and Minako were huddled together, gossiping about Yuuri.

“So? Do you think he’s acting differently?” Minako asked hurriedly.

Hiroko shook her head, “No, but my boy is very good at hiding things. I’m sure there’s a way to get him to say _something_.” Minako sighed, thinking of ways to get Yuuri to fess up about Viktor.

“I don’t know, but what I do have,” Minako paused to slip the ring out of her pocket, “Is this! He was wearing it, and if that doesn’t say ‘I’m still in love with my ex,’ I don’t know what does.” Minako held the ring under the stream of sunlight coming in through the front doors.

“He was _wearing_ it?” Hiroko exclaimed. “My boy still loves Viktor! I knew it.” Minako nodded in response, grinning. “I wish we could do something, I wish we could just get them back together again.”

“I think everyone does.”

~

_“Mum, do you remember about a month ago when I told you I couldn’t make it with Viktor?” Yuuri told them, his hands shaking slightly as he held the phone closely to his ear._

_“Yes, I do.”_

_“Well, I waited a month, and now it’s over. Me and Viktor aren’t together anymore,” Yuuri told her. “We broke up this morning, and Viktor just left. I’m just having lunch,” Yuuri replied rather casually. “He’s probably out drinking.”_

_“Oh, dear. Are you ok? Is Viktor okay?” Hiroko asked, trying to force down her own grief and focused on Yuuri._

_“I couldn’t do it, and now I don’t have to do it, and why do you care about Viktor, anyway? He’s a liar. I hope he’s not okay.”_

_“Honey, Viktor was in your life for over four years, he was family to me. You were engaged– of course I care about him,” she explained. “Now that the season is over, how about you come back to Hasetsu? We’ll have lots of katsudon and you can watch your favourite anime’s and cuddle up, how about that?”_

_“No, I need to focus on the next season. I’ll be moving back to Detroit and living with Phichit. I’m sure Celestino will be able to coach me again,” Yuuri explained. “You must be having dinner now, right?”_

_“Well, yes. But, sweetheart, are you sure you’re okay?” she asked again, annoying Yuuri. “Losing someone like Viktor can be very painful.”_

_“I’m fine, I got what I wanted, okay?”_

_“Alright.” Yuuri said his goodbyes and hung up, finishing up his leftover ramen noodles and leaving the bowl in the sink. He wandered through the apartment, ignoring to urge to stop and look at all the things that he and Viktor had put memories on like he usually did. He would usually stop and stare at the beige couch and remember all the times he and Viktor had cuddled and watched various movies together there. Yuuri ignored the second bedside draw– the first thing Viktor had cleared out for him when he moved in. He ignored the tiger rug Yurio had given them for their first anniversary. He ignored his own feelings and began to pack his suitcases full of his clothes, ready for his flight to Detroit in six hours. He’d planned this all out carefully, he knew which day he’d tell Viktor he was breaking up with him, he’d booked his flight three weeks in advance. He’d even asked Phichit if he could move in with him the moment he got back from Worlds in Italy. He’d lived the past month distant from Viktor but relishing in every sweet kiss, every warm hug and every domestic moment. For the past month, he ignored the fact that he didn’t want to leave._

_Four hours later, when Yuuri was pulling up all his suitcases by the front door ready to go, someone stumbled through the door, stinking of alcohol. Yuuri recognized the silver hair immediately and took a few steps back from the drunk man. Viktor looked down at the bags packed by his sides and then up at Yuuri who looked awfully guilty._

_“You’re leaving?” Viktor slurred, taking unsteady steps towards Yuuri. “Yuu-ri, I love you! Don’t go,” Viktor giggled, pulling Yuuri towards him and leaning on him, burying his face in his shoulder. “I love you,” Yuuri heard Viktor mumble into his shirt. It wasn’t long before Yuuri felt a wet patch growing where Viktor’s mouth was._

_“Viktor, you’re drooling on me.”_

_“I love you,” Viktor repeated, clinging onto Yuuri harder. “I love you.” Yuuri fought the habit of saying ‘I love you too’ back to him._

_“Viktor, I have to go, my flight to Detroit leaves soon,” Yuuri stated, trying to get Viktor off of him._

_“Detroit?”_

_“Yes, now get off me!” Yuuri almost yelled, pushing Viktor off of him. Viktor looked at him like a wounded dog, his silver hair clinging to his sweaty forehead, his eyes blown and red. The air around them felt hostile and broken. Viktor kept staring at him, not being able to fathom that his Yuuri had pushed him away.  Yuuri looked around, his gaze avoiding the broken man standing in front of him._

_“I love–” Viktor started._

_“No!” Yuuri shouted. “I don’t want to hear it.” Yuuri wound his way around Viktor and towards Viktor. He unlocked the door. The door seemed to open a lot faster than Yuuri had remembered. He picked up his suitcases– they seemed lighter. Was the universe trying to make this easy for Yuuri? Did no one understand he didn’t want to do this? “Goodbye, Viktor,” Yuuri said, finally, walking himself and his things out the door. The door slammed and the walls rattled. Viktor was the left in his one bedroom apartment that now held one person._

_Viktor stood there, drunk and stunned. The memories of that morning came flooding back in white, hot, searing pain. He thought of when Yuuri told him he didn’t want to be with him anymore. He remembered the moments before that when they were lazily kissing under the warm covers. Viktor remembered last night when they’d had sex. Viktor remembered Yuuri telling him that he wasn’t right for him, that he wasn’t what Yuuri wanted, that Viktor never listened to a word he said. Viktor remembered the only emotion he had felt was alarmed. He remembered that eight hours ago Yuuri was telling Viktor that he loved him._

_Viktor stood there, and suddenly the thought of being in that flat any longer made him puke. Viktor ran out of there and he wished he and Yuuri could swap places– he never wanted to enter that apartment again._

~

The rest of the week with Chris went smoothly, and Viktor only cried once in front of him, and to him, that was one hell of an improvement. He did cry a second time while boarding the plane– Viktor didn’t count that time because technically the week was over. As Viktor always did, he caused as scene as he was scanning his plane tickets, the whole thing ended with about three tons of tissues and everyone on the plane knowing about his recent-ish break-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is @bootydreams


	4. know i need you 'round with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yuuri finally meet

Viktor stepped into the skating rink lobby and walked himself up to the desk, pulling tighter on the black beanie he was wearing so that most of his hair was concealed. If Yuuri was here he didn’t want to see him, he didn’t want Yuuri to see him. He barely even wanted to see anyone else, he wanted to go back home. He thought about home, back at his apartment, but that wasn’t it– his apartment wasn’t home. His apartment was cold and bare and dead. He wanted to go back in time– that’s where home was; that’s where Yuuri was. The lobby was thankfully a lot warmer than outside so after he’d gotten checked in as a guest– something he wasn’t used to at all– he took a seat on the wooden bench and resting his rest on the wall plaster wall, looking up at the ceiling weirdly covered in mirrors. He saw his own face properly for the first time in months and he thought he looked so dull. He didn’t look excited– anyone who saw him would instantly know he didn’t want to be there. His eyes shifted to the giant glass windows and looked out onto the busy road, where he saw orange light beaming down on it from the recent sunrise. The city was full of blues and oranges and pinks, as was the sky. He’d forgotten how beautiful the city was in the mornings. The last sunrise he’d seen was when he was at Yuri’s place, hungover as hell and recently broken up with.  Viktor watched as a cab pulled outside the centre, guessing there were more skaters who were checking in. He wished Chris would hurry up and come over to the rink already but Viktor doubted he was even awake yet. Viktor had agreed to meet Chris here after they’d woken up for his practice so Viktor could give him some pointers (and maybe do some spying on Yuuri.) Viktor’s eyes shifted to the black car’s back door opening and a very tired Yuuri stepped out. Viktor’s first instinct was to run up to him and hug the sadness out of him, he wanted to cheer him up but then he realized that wasn't his job anymore. He felt he was barely allowed to look at Yuuri let alone comfort him. He watched as Yuuri pulled his sports bag out of the trunk and head towards the building, his eyes on the ground. Before Viktor could think to at least look away, Yuuri was entering the building, his eyes on the man resting on the bench in the corner. Viktor knew he couldn't say a word to Yuuri but he tried to say everything with his eyes. With the sun shining through the windows and onto Yuuri's messy hair, creating a glow around his head, Yuuri stared at Viktor. Viktor tried to show him that he wanted to speak to him through his body language, but Yuuri had always been terrible at reading people– he couldn't complain though, Viktor had been the same. They eventually broke eye contact, Yuuri's face staying blank and Viktor looking desperate. Yuuri talked to the woman at the front desk and then entered the actual rink. Viktor thought back to Yuuri’s expression back when he’d seen him, he remembered how Yuuri had walked in, how he’d spoken ever so quietly to the woman at the desk. He relived every moment, trying to savor it as much as possible. Even though his nerves about seeing him had almost eaten him alive, he felt very excited to see Yuuri again, and as horribly as that encounter had gone, Viktor still felt a lot happier– it was almost as if Yuuri was a drug to Viktor. Viktor waited in silence another twenty minutes on his phone stalking Yuuri’s Instagram, seeing mostly pictures of Phichit and the food the had been eating back in America. He scrolled about a hundred photos back, back to when he and Viktor were together and he saw a big chunk of the photo’s of him and Viktor had been deleted. The only ones left were the ones you could look at and assume him and Viktor were strictly friends. It was like Yuuri’s and Viktor’s relationship had never existed. He wondered about how badly the interviews must have been going for Yuuri, surely the press had worked out that they had ended things despite no announcement. He’d always wanted to text Yuuri about making some sort of public thing about their breakup but he could never gather the courage to ask. Maybe that could be his goal for the next couple of days: ask Yuuri about making an announcement. It was a good excuse to talk to Yuuri and Viktor was sure Yuuri was getting a lot of hate and trouble because of it. Nobody forgets people who kiss on national television. 

 

“Viktor! I am literally so sorry to keep you waiting, I heard Yuuri came by a half hour ago and I am so sorry I wasn’t there with you, oh my god,” Chris ranted, running up to Viktor and giving him a tight hug. “You did see him, right?”

 

“Yes, I saw him,” Viktor told him in much lighter voice than Chris was expecting. “We made eye contact, and then he left. His expression was blank and I probably looked like a desperate fool. I think I want to talk to him, though.”

 

“Oh, Viktor! That’s so wonderful! What are you going to say to him?”

 

“Well, I’m not exactly sure, but I was thinking something to do with maybe making an announcement that we had broken up? It would keep the press away from Yuuri and give some more closure for the both of us,” Viktor explained. 

 

“Sounds good,” Chris advised him, taking Viktor into the arena. Viktor’s eyes immediately searched for Yuuri, and saw him talking to Celestino on the other side of the rink, he also saw Yuri and Otabek chatting close to them and a couple other newer skaters were there too. Viktor made the effort to slam the rink door behind him, causing all the skaters to turn and look at him, including  _ Yuuri _ . Viktor made eye contact with Yuuri for the second time that day, and this time instead of trying to make himself look desperate, he simply smiled at him and followed Chris into the locker rooms. Viktor leaned on one of the cold blue walls as Chris took off all his coats and put on his skates. 

 

“It was a lot more underwhelming, seeing Yuuri again,” Viktor started, startling Chris. “It felt like Deja vú, sort of. It felt like we were just having a small fight and everything was tense. It felt like we hadn’t seen each other in seven months.” 

 

“Like had time had stood still?” Chris suggested, picking up his Swedish skating jacket and going to leave the room. Viktor stayed silent and thought about what Chris had just said. Before then, he’d never related or understood that phrase, but now it described how he was feeling perfectly. The pair walked out into the arena again and realized that Leo had arrived and was now practicing jumps with the other skaters. Yuuri was just stepping out of the rink, and Viktor was disappointed to not see him skate. He saw some other friends of skaters, who dropped their jaws at seeing Viktor there. Viktor simply ignored them and leaned on the skate barricade and waited for Chris to step out onto the ice. He saw his coach approaching and put his head down– usually, coaches would converse with him, the legendary Viktor who coached Katsuki Yuuri for two years after retiring. He was anxious about the coaches asking him why he wasn’t with Yuuri and why he was no longer coaching. Yuuri became a two-time world champion with Viktor by his side– he’d be well valued as a coach for someone else. 

 

“I hope Chris can win this Grand Prix, he deserves it more than anyone here. He’s been competitively skating for nearly fifteen years, and he’s never once won the GPF,” Chris’s coach, Erik, commented casually. Viktor looked to him and once he saw the sympathy and kindness in his eyes, he smiled. 

 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Viktor replied, happy that Erik wasn’t interested in talking to him about Yuuri. “It’s his last season, isn’t it?” 

 

“Even though he won’t admit it, it definitely is.” The two watched as Chris skated across the ice in circles, attempting various jumps and perfecting his step sequence. After about ten minutes, Viktor was getting bored and the urge to run to Yuuri was becoming stronger. Viktor watched as Yuuri slid off the ice and sat down on the bench, taking a breather. Viktor decided this was a perfect time to talk to Yuuri as Yakov went off to lecture Yurio. Viktor tried to keep his head down as he approached the sweaty, black haired twenty-eight-year-old. Viktor still had a beanie on and the most casual clothes he had on, so from far away Viktor looked almost unrecognizable. Viktor stuck to following the walls, slowing inching closer towards Yuuri. He dared to glance up, to see if Yuuri had noticed what Viktor was doing. Viktor instantly regretted it, as he saw Yuuri staring at him, irritated but still a little confused. Once they’d both noticed the other, Viktor skipped the whole slow approach and just marched up to his ex-fiancé and took a seat next to him. Viktor was planning on asking Yuuri about an announcement about their relationship status but his mouth had a mind of its own. 

 

“I want you to win, Yuuri. I want this to be your fifth gold medal,” Viktor told him, words flowing out of his mouth without consent. “I’ll be watching you, Yuuri. I’ll be rooting for you.” Viktor looked over to see Yuuri’s expression after what he had just said, but found him blank, staring off into the ice. 

 

“I don’t– I don’t want you to root for me,” Yuuri started, his face reddening from his nervousness. “I want to do this myself.” 

 

“Okay then, Chris deserves this more, anyway,” Viktor joked, trying to lighten the tense mood. Viktor found himself internally squealing when he saw the tiniest of smiles from Yuuri. 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“Um, there was one more thing I wanted to talk to you about,” Viktor said, appreciating that he finally had control over what he wanted to say. “I think, maybe, he should post something on instagram– about our, uh… B-break up.” 

 

Yuuri was stunned, he didn’t expect Viktor to want to talk about press and status immediately. “Oh. Well, sure. Press conferences are getting hard to deal with anyway, so it’ll be good,” Yuuri told him. “Um, I’ll call you about it after practice?” 

 

“Perfect. I’ll talk to you later, then,” Viktor breathed, picking himself up off the bench and turning to leave. 

 

“Bye, Viktor,” Yuuri replied as Viktor was walking away. 

 

As soon as Viktor was a fair distance away from Yuuri, sparks flew inside of him. He was elated, he saw Yuuri  _ smile _ . He talked to Yuuri and it wasn’t awful. He made plans to talk to Yuuri again. Viktor had fantasized about that moment so many times it actually happening almost felt surreal– like a dream. 

 

“Chris, am I dreaming?” Viktor asked Chris as he ran towards the Swedish man who was wiping his forehead from sweat. 

 

“So that went well, I’m guessing?” 

 

“Yes, definitely. It was the tiniest bit confusing, but still  _ very _ good. He said he’d call me this afternoon!” Viktor squealed. 

 

“Wonderful, now please review my quad flip.” 

 

After practice with the skaters had finished and he and Chris had gotten back to their hotel, Viktor waited patiently, a note written by Yuuri seven months ago in hand and his phone in the other, waiting. 

 

~

 

_ Viktor took a step inside the bedroom for the first time since the morning Yuuri had left him. He saw that a lot of Yuuri’s things had been left behind, even some clothes. He opened all the draws in his closet, find a third of them completely bare. One of them held a note, written by none other than Yuuri.  _

 

_ ‘Please do not send any of my stuff back to me– do whatever you like with it. Please don’t call or text me.  _

 

_ I love you,  _

_ Katsuki Yuuri’  _

 

_ Viktor felt his throat constrict and his eyes well with tears as he stood in the almost bare bedroom. Yuuri said he loved him. Viktor felt relieved that Yuuri had said he loved him. Viktor felt confused that Yuuri had said he loved him– but most of all he felt like all the closure Yuuri had provided him with had been washed away. Yuuri had said he didn’t love him anymore, he said things just weren’t working out, he’d said that Viktor just wasn’t the one for him. Viktor forgot all of that once he read the words ‘I love you’ written by his ex-fiancé.  _

 

~

  
Viktor almost screamed when twenty minutes and a glass of wine later, his phone buzzed to life, ‘ _ Yuuri <3 _ ’ showing up on screen. 


	5. super slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to like and subscribe

_ Viktor clutched the note in his hands as the urge to rip it washed over him. He was angry. Why would Yuuri do this to him? Why did he want to do this to him? Selfish little-! _

 

_ “Viktor?” Otabek’s voice rung through the apartment. Viktor quickly shoved the note back in the draw and walked himself out of his room to see Otabek. “The door was open– um, I just wanted to drop off your coat that you left at our place a couple weeks ago. Where’s Yuuri?” Viktor didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to converse with a person like a normal human did; he didn’t know what to say. He should’ve thanked Otabek and taken the coat and left him out of it, but in that moment all Viktor could do was cry. Otabek stared at him as he brought his hands up to his face and shook violently. For the first time since Viktor’s fiancé of six years left him, he ugly-cried. Hell, this was the first time he had ever ugly-cried. Viktor wasn’t even making sounds that sounded anything like crying, he’d just occasionally whine and wail and hiccup. Otabek simply stared at Viktor, not knowing what to do around a sobbing Viktor.  _

 

_ “Are you alright, Viktor?” Viktor peeped through the cracks of his hands and looked at Otabek who was so clearly uncomfortable.  _

 

_ “Ugh, I’m so sorry. I just… Yuuri left. He went to detroit! He doesn’t love me anymore– I– I don’t know what I’ve d-down wrong,” Viktor sobbed. “And the note, the stupid note! He left a note! I just love him so much.” _

 

_ “Oi, old man!” Yuri yelled through Otabek’s phone. Viktor looked at Otabek who was holding out his phone while Yuri listened to Viktor’s cries. “That pig left you?” _

 

_ “Y–es,” Viktor answered, his crying silenced by Yurio’s rough voice.  _

 

_ “For real?” Yuri questioned.  _

 

_ “Yes!” Viktor shouted at him through his tears, angry that he wouldn’t believe him. _

 

_ “Damn, you wanna come over?”  _

 

_ “Oh, I wouldn’t wanted to spoil you and Otabek’s night– you probably had something planned–” Viktor ranted reaching for the tissues on the kitchen counter and wiping his cheeks as he sniffled.  _

 

_ “It’s fine, Viktor. Come back to ours,” Otabek reassured Viktor. _

 

_ “Alright.” _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ Viktor didn’t remember any of the previous night, he remembered Yuuri leaving him after looking around at his apartment for a while, wondering why he was hung over and lying on his floor. He felt dry tears on his cheeks and a crumpled piece of paper digging into his palms. He opened and remembered it was the note Yuuri had left him. The stupid note. Viktor read over it again, his eyes drifting over the ‘I love you.’ Viktor didn’t know whether to find hope or hate in those words. Did Yuuri say that to reassure him that Yuuri didn’t completely didn’t hate him? Did he mean it platonically or in a romantic way? Why did that phrase ‘I love you,’ leave so much open for interpretation? _

 

_ Viktor rolled his eyes as he felt a headache come on from the stress of the note and seemingly large amounts of alcohol he had consumed previously.  _

 

_ Viktor spend the rest of the day over the toilet bowl and taking painkillers every four hours. The headache and the burn in his throat after feeling the alcohol from last night coming back up would never compare to the emotional pain he was feeling then. He couldn’t even comprehend or put into words how much despair and desperation and utter sadness he was feeling. ‘Yuuri left Viktor,’ was such an easy sentence to vocalise but that pain behind it was unbearable. Viktor didn’t know how he’d do this; he didn’t know how he’d get through this.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

“You’re going to have to place first in Russia otherwise you won’t be able to compete in the grand final, you know,” Phichit reminded Yuuri. 

 

“Argh, I can’t help it, Phichit,” Yuuri argued pausing the movie they were both watching before Phichit interrupted it. 

 

“I know, but maybe you should do something to get out of this funk?” 

 

“I’m not going back to that therapist if that’s what you mean,” Yuuri spat back, clearly already tired of the subject. 

 

“No, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. But what I’m trying to say is… Uh, well, Yuuri, what is your freeskate about? What is short program about?”

  
  


“Million Reason’s is about leaving Viktor and my short program is about all the memories I have with Viktor,” Yuuri told him. 

 

“You did well in your short program, in which you were thinking happily about Viktor, but then in your free program you didn’t do well because it was negative.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“Well, just take that and think about it. Maybe something needs to change?”

 

“It’s too late to change my short,” Yuuri said stubbornly, not listening to Phichit properly. “I’m going to bed.” Phichit rolled his eyes in frustration as Yuuri went to bed. 

  
~


	6. never pick up, never call me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri and viktor's call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz my chapter's are getting short

“Yuuri…” Viktor breathed down the phone line. “I’m glad you called.”

 

“Well, uh, that’s good,” Yuuri replied awkwardly, cursing himself for not being cool in front of Viktor like he promised himself he would be. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about other things than the press.” 

 

“Oh, what is it?”

 

“Well, I- I’ve been thinking about us the past few months, and I’ve come to the conclusion that how I handled that situation was wrong,” Yuuri started, putting on a formal tone. 

 

“You regret breaking up with me?” Viktor jumped. 

 

“I didn’t say that… I just– I wanted to apologise. I abandoned you. I left so suddenly, I can’t imagine the pain I must have put you through.”

 

Viktor started a reply but stopped, he didn’t really know what to say. If he were to be honest he would’ve told Yuuri he didn’t want an apology, he wanted his Yuuri. “I- uh. I want to say you’re forgiven but…”

 

“I understand; I wouldn’t’ve forgiven you either. Uh, I hope in the future we could– well, I thought we could keep in contact– maybe friends or something,” Yuuri suggested. Viktor once read that if you’re friends with an ex you still love them or you never did in the first place and either that wasn’t true or Yuuri still loved him. 

 

“Uh, that sounds good. I like that idea but if we’re going to get into this I want to be honest with you, something I missed last time,” Viktor answered. 

 

“Again, understandable. I’ll be honest too.”

 

“So, I want to start by saying I still have feelings for you, Yuuri, and I can’t imagine them going away,” Viktor told Yuuri, surprised he wasn’t feeling anxious at the statement. 

 

“Oh, of course… I don’t mind,” Yuuri replied silence following his words. 

 

“So, why’d you–”

 

“Actually I-” Yuuri started the same time Viktor did. “Sorry, you go first.”

 

“I know this is kind of soon, but why did you do it?” Viktor asked, hesitation in his voice.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Leave. Leave me,” Viktor told him bluntly. 

 

“Oh! Well, I– Um, I left because…” Yuuri’s voice trailed, unsure of what to say. ‘I didn’t love you,’ sounded too harsh. “I don’t know if we should be having this conversation over the phone,” Yuuri told him instead. 

 

“That’s true. How about dinner? Or lunch? We could hang out.” Viktor suggested. 

 

“Well, that sounds good, but I’m kinda busy the whole time I’m in Moscow,” Yuuri told him, sorrowfulness in his voice. 

 

“Well, I’ll be going to the Grand Prix, we could meet up there.”

 

“I doubt I’ll make it the the Grand Prix with scores like these,” Yuuri admitted. 

 

“That’s not true, you’ll be there. Make sure you’re there.” Viktor sighed at the pause Yuuri took after Viktor encouraged him. “GPF is on the 8th, I’ll see you for lunch at two on the seventh of December, got that?”

 

“Got it.”

 

“I’ll be rooting for you, I’d do anything to make sure you win the GPF,” Viktor admitted, smiling to himself that he could utter those words to Yuuri after all these months. “Anyway, you wanted to say something?”

 

“I’ll save it for Japan. Now, what do we say to the press?” 

 

“Instagram is the easiest option, a quick picture over lunch saying we’re only friends now,” Viktor concluded. 

 

“Sounds good. Now, I’ll see you tomorrow, Viktor. Oh, and tomorrow– don’t keep your eyes off me.” 

 

Viktor started his goodbye but then he heard the dull beeping signalling that Yuuri had hung up on him. Viktor took a deep breath and counted all the things that had just happened, (a tactic he’d learned in therapy when his mind was running with thoughts that overwhelmed him.) One) Viktor had  _ spoken _ to Yuuri. They’d made actual contact! Two) Yuuri was most likely not going to make it to the GPF, no matter how much Viktor denied it. Three) They were meeting in December for lunch if Yuuri made it to the GPF. Four) Yuuri and he were now friends and Viktor was ignoring the fact that everywhere he’d heard to never be friends with your ex– especially if you’re still in love with them. Viktor here was breaking all the rules. But he’d do anything to be with Yuuri Katsuki. 

 

“That sounded kinda intense,” Chris said, walking from the bathroom. “Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Viktor sighed. “It was actually more relaxed than I thought it was going to be. We agreed on friends and we’re having lunch at the Grand Prix Final,” Viktor filled him in. 

 

“If he makes it,” Chris commented, grabbed a mini champagne bottle from the mini fridge. 

 

“He will.”

 

“I’m so glad you guys are talking– as much as I am a ‘don’t talk to your exes,’ person. I think that was a good decision. Does he know you’re still hung up on him?” Chris popped a bottle and poured two flutes of the champagne, sitting on the bed across from Viktor and handing one of the glasses to him. 

 

“Yeah, I told him. He said he ‘didn’t mind.’ He didn’t say anything about liking me back, so I’m still stumped on the note he left,” Viktor informed him, pulling out his wallet and fiddling with the piece of paper.

 

“You still carry that thing around?” Chris asked, eyebrows raised. 

 

“...Yeah, it makes me feel safe. I like it there,” Viktor tells him. 

 

_“Doesn’t_ it remind you of the break up though?”

 

“It’s _hope_. Hope that Yuuri still loves me.” 


	7. if I keep my eyes closed he feels just like you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry i disappeared for so long!! i'll try to keep these more regular.

_ “Have you told your parents yet? About moving to Detroit?” Phichit asked over the sound of the movie him and Yuuri were watching together. Yuuri looked over at him from the other side of their couch and rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ “Of course I have,” Yuuri told him.  _

 

_ “What about Viktor?” _

 

_ “What about Viktor?” Yuuri spat back, irritated and tired of hearing about Viktor.  _

 

_ “Well you broke up with him two weeks ago and you still haven’t told your parents– they need to know, Yuuri,” Phichit reasoned, pausing the movie and shifting so he was faced Yuuri. Yuuri looked down at his hands and fiddled with the gold ring still wrapped around his left ring finger.  _

 

_ “I don’t know what to tell them,” Yuuri admitted weakly. “I don’t know how to say it– I can’t say it. They’ll ask why it happens and I just don’t have an answer for that yet.” _

 

_ “What do you mean? You broke up with him because he lied to you, and because you didn’t love him.” _

 

_ “I don’t know– sometimes I wish he was still here with me, that doesn’t sound like not loving him to me,” Yuuri told him as he felt his mood drop by about 80%. _

 

_ “Yuuri, I know you wouldn’t break up with Viktor unless you didn’t have a real reason. It just didn’t work out– your parents will understand that,” Phichit assured him, crawling towards Yuuri and sitting in his lap and hugging him.  _

 

_ “Thank you,” Yuuri whispered into his friend's hair before grabbing the remote to start the movie again.  _

 

_ After about half an hour the movie ended and the credits were running through the screen and Phichit stretched and looked up at Yuuri who was staring at the tv, tears silently falling from his eyes. It took Phichit by surprise to see Yuuri crying– he was so unemotional these days.  _

 

_ “Yuuri,” Phichit gasped, straddling him and enveloping him in a tight hug. “Oh, Yuuri.” Yuuri started to sob at the affection shown by his best friend, clinging onto him harder. “What happened? Between now and half an hour ago, what happened?”  _

 

_ “Nothing,” Yuuri sniffled, swallowing his choked sobs and wiping his eyes. “This is nothing, um, I should go to bed anyway.”  _

 

_ “Don’t you dare,” Phichit said, wrapping his legs around Yuuri’s torso. “You’re going to tell me what happened.” _

 

_ “I just…realised that I did it badly,” Yuuri told Phichit, dropping his head.  _

 

_ “Did what?”  _

 

_ “Broke up with Viktor, I did it abruptly and meanly. I timed it wrongly and just up and left within a few hours. I didn’t call or text or talk to him about it. I abandoned him.” _

 

_ “At least it happened– better than staying in a relationship that wasn’t working,” Phichit answered.  _

 

_ “I guess…”  _

 

_ “You know what I think?” The Thai man in a top of Yuuri started, “I think you should wallow.” _

 

_ Yuuri raised his eyebrows in disgust. “No. Way.”  _

 

_ It’s a crucial part of the grieving process!” he argued.  _

 

_ “I’m not grieving, I’m not wallowing.” _

 

_ “Why not?” Phichit whined.  _

 

_ “Because wallowing means thinking about it, and I don’t want to think about it.” _

 

_ “Yuuri, you need to think about it! It’s crucial to moving on.” _

 

_ “Not. Wallowing,” Yuuri stated stubbornly.  _

 

_ “Yuuri, you have to let out these emotions in a healthy way, preferably in an ice cream tub with a sad movie.” _

 

_ “Can’t eat ice cream, ice cream makes you fat and I have to stay in shape for the upcoming season,” Yuuri retorted, a smug smile on his face because he knew he was right.”  _

 

_ “A tub of low-sugar, vegan ice cream?” Phichit giggled.  _

 

_ “I’d rather eat dirt,” Yuuri chuckled.  _

 

_ “Seriously though. I can tell you’re sad, Yuuri, and you have to let these emotions out before they build up and you do something stupid.” _

 

_ “I’m not bottling up anything, I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t. Can we drop this now? I’m heading to bed,” Yuuri said, pushing Phichit off of him and getting up to walk away.  _

 

_ “Nobody is perfect, Yuuri,” Phichit called to Yuuri as he disappeared into his room.  _

 

~

 

_ “I think I should get my own place,” Yuuri broke to Phichit one morning, three weeks after he moved in. “I’m nearly twenty-eight, I shouldn’t be living with a friend.” Panic spread through Phichit– he couldn’t let Yuuri move out. Yuuri was bad enough living with him– he barely ate and only did when Phichit forced him and regularly drinking water was out of the question. God knows what he’d do if he lived alone!  _

 

_ “What are you talking about? Heaps of friends live together for the rest of their lives! And you just got all of your stuff placed just where you like it– we’ve started a good rhythm here. Plus I’ll be lonely without you,” Phichit reasoned, overly cheery.  _

 

_ “I’ll see you at the rink every day, Phichit.” _

 

_ “But our movie nights! And I need to look after my little Yuuri,” Yuuri friend told him, giving him a hug and rubbing his back.  _

 

_ “I’m literally older than you,” Yuuri chuckled.  _

 

_ “Please stay?” _

 

_ “Okay, I’ll stay. Um, actually do you mind if I head out tonight?” Yuuri asked, pulling away from the hug.  _

 

_ “Uh, sure?” Phichit replied, a little confused. Yuuri, leaving the house? On his own? Seemed a little weird. “What are you thinking of doing?” _

 

_ “I don’t know, I just feel like heading out and not being cooped up in here,” Yuuri told him, lying through his teeth– but Phichit didn’t know that. The air around them was stale and stiff, and with Yuuri’s announcement, Phichit was too scared to break it and decided to just go along with Yuuri’s strange behaviour curiously. He didn’t know what to do or say, he didn’t know if this was good or bad.  _

 

_ “Alright, that sounds fair. Do you know what time you’ll be back?” _

 

~   
  


_ Yuuri braced the cold night air as he wandered through the streets, knowing exactly where he was heading. He was heading to a bar, to get drunk without Phichit there to stop him. Yuuri loved Phichit more than anything, but his coddling and over-protectiveness got overbearing a lot of the time. He just wanted to let go of everything- he wanted to forget everything. He wanted to forget about the upcoming skating season, he wanted to forget about his family and how he hadn’t spoken to them in so long, he wanted to forget about Viktor, but most of all, he wanted to forget that he was in so much pain all the time; he hated feeling like this, hated feeling like he was empty and hopeless. He knew drinking was temporary, but he also knew with the alcohol he’d forget everything, he’d forget how much he craved Viktor.  _

 

_ Yuuri stumbled into the place he and Phichit used to go during his university days, taking off his layers and taking a seat a the bar, waiting for the bartender to come by so he could order something. Yuuri a couple months ago would’ve been too socially anxious to do something like this, to sit alone in a bar where anyone could hit on him, or people could stare at him and think he was lonely for coming to a bar by himself. Yuuri didn’t care about any of that now, he was too desperate to get away from everything. The bartender approached Yuuri and he ordered whatever would get him the drunkest. Yuuri gulped it down and within ten minutes he was feeling very buzzed and giggly. He ordered another, and another become two more, and two became three. Soon enough, Yuuri was a drunken mess, looking out onto the bar and looking through the sea of faces, looking for someone, but in his drunk state, he wasn’t sure who. Yuuri became upset that he couldn’t find his person, then became upset that he was upset– he came here with a goal to be not upset, didn’t he? Yuuri huffed and got off the barstool, stumbling around, deciding to go to the other side of the bar where he saw someone with pale blue eyes sat. Yuuri approached the man that looked to be in his early thirties. Yuuri sat next to him and stared at him.  _

 

_ “You have nice eyes,” Yuuri said to him, trying his hardest not to slur. “You’re very pretty.” _

 

_ “And you’re very drunk,” the man replied. “Could I get you anything?” _

 

_ “Could you get me some of this,” Yuuri slurred, putting his hand on the man’s thigh and patting it, looking at the man with the most seductive look he could pull off. The man looked a little startled, but not disgusted or annoyed. Yuuri became a little happy, that he could approach someone and ask for sex without stumbling on his words or even seeming the slightest bit embarrassed. Yuuri didn’t know what he was doing in that moment, the alcohol blurring the lines between what he wanted and what was good for him. And in that moment, even though he unknowingly achieved it, he definitely wasn’t thinking about skating, his family, and he definitely wasn’t thinking about Viktor. He was thinking about getting in this man’s pants.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ Yuuri didn’t remember the night before, but he was still alive, so that counted. He looked around the glaringly white room, he looked at the bare walls and the bookshelves that held barely any books. The room was small and barren– it looked like a lonely room. He looked at the bed he was currently sat in, the white sheets and his naked lower half. He soon realised what he had done and he instantly felt a wave of grossness overcome him. He felt dirty and repulsed by his own body. He’d had a one night stand– he’d never done that before, nor had he ever wished to. He was sitting naked in a stranger's bed, he was dirty, he was a horrible person. Yuuri Katsuki didn’t sleep with strangers, he didn’t cheat on the love of his life. And then it dawned on him– he didn’t cheat on anyone. He didn’t cheat on Viktor. He slept with a stranger and there were no consequences. The gross feeling of lying in a stranger’s bed was pushed into the back of his mind, as the feeling of freedom engulfed him. No one could get mad at him for what he had done, no one could stop him from ever doing it again. Yuuri didn’t wish to ever repeat what had happened last night, but it felt so liberating to not be tied down to someone. Yuuri sprang out of bed at the new feeling, dressing and running out the door to only be stopped by the thought of not knowing where he was going. He didn’t know where the front door was, or where the stranger he had slept with was. Yuuri wound his way throughout the apartment, stopping himself when he heard a running shower behind a closed door. Yuuri realised that that would be the stranger. He had no wish to speak with whoever he was, so he kept walking through the house, finally finding the front door.  _

 

_ He turned to look at the apartment and smiled. This was the apartment where his freedom had been found, this is the apartment where he did something that he’d never done before– he did it all without Viktor, and in that moment another piece of why Yuuri broke up with Viktor came to him– he realised that one of the reasons he felt so wrong with Viktor is because he was so depended on Viktor. He looked up to Viktor and didn’t do anything without him. Yuuri was just finding his footing in the adult world when Viktor came into his life, it wasn’t surprising that Yuuri felt like he had to do things on his own. Yuuri realised he’d never done bills on his own, he’d never travelled on his own. He felt like he’d never done so much, like he’d missed out on so much. Everything he did was dictated by what Viktor wanted to do, or Viktor’s thoughts about something. Maybe one of the reasons Yuuri left Viktor was because he needed some space to find himself, he needed some space to experience life. Maybe even Yuuri himself didn’t know why he’d left, but he was slowly discovering why.  _

 

_ When Yuuri first left, it all seemed so clear to him why he left. He left because Viktor lied and because Viktor hadn’t been there for him when he needed him most. He left because Viktor broke a promise, and he broke one promise, what’s to stop him from breaking the promise of marriage– the promise to be with him forever? But as time went on it all became so blurry to Yuuri. The reasons to leave bled into the reasons to stay, the feeling of missing Viktor bled into hating him. It was so unclear and Yuuri had made it his mission for everything to become clear again– without Viktor. There was so much he needed to do without Viktor, so much he’d missed.  _

 

_ Yuuri made his way back to his and Phichit’s apartment and was met with a very mad Phichit. Yuuri opened the door and there was Phichit, sitting on the couch, looking like he hadn’t slept at all that night. Yuuri cast his eyes down, not wanting to look Phichit in the eye. The happiness from his previous revelation dissipated and was replaced with red, hot guilt.  _

 

_ “Yuuri,” Phichit started and Yuuri still didn’t dare look up at Phichit, noticing the bubbling anger in his voice. “Where did you go?” Yuuri thought about telling Phichit what happened, but the idea scared him. He knew Phichit wouldn’t understand what it was and what it meant to Yuuri. Yuuri knew it’d be better to just tell Phichit, and if he didn’t now it probably would be forced out of him later, but he stayed silent, only shrugging his shoulders. “Yuuri,” Phichit groaned, knowing the tell tale signs of when Yuuri was scared. “I was so worried about you, you never go out all night.” Yuuri nodded, still keeping his head down. “Did you… sleep with someone?” Yuuri quietly sighed, looked up at Phichit and noticed how tired and weak he looked, the anger nowhere to be seen. Yuuri shook his head, lying to his best friend. “Where else would you have gone, Yuuri?” Yuuri turned away from Phichit, entering his room, shutting his best friend out. “Yuuri, this isn’t you. You haven’t been you since you got here.” Yuuri kept ignoring him and stepped into the bathroom, closing the door and stepping into the shower.  _


	8. waves

The sound of skates on ice filled the arena as the skaters participating in the Rostelecom Cup filled the rink for their warm up. Viktor’s eyed flicked between the many skaters before his eyes landed on Yuuri. His Yuuri, the Yuuri he had lost. Yuuri didn’t look sad, he didn’t look overly happy either. He looked calm. Viktor hoped Yuuri felt calm because ever since the breakup, Viktor had felt anything but calm, and even though he wished for Yuuri to feel the pain he felt, he was glad Yuuri could be calm at a time like this. Maybe Viktor didn’t like the way Yuuri had treated him but he knew Yuuri deserved his fifth GPF gold medal– he knew Yuuri needed it. Back when they were together, Viktor sometimes thought a gold medal was more important to Yuuri than himself, and last year, he would’ve laughed at the thought, now, he wished he’d listened to himself more. Viktor went limp as the thoughts of the break up washed over him again. Viktor had noticed as he’d been out more and more that he was distracted and he felt a lot happier– the sadness was still there, but instead of being a constant, it came in waves. Although the waves that washed fell over him were so much more intense than the constant dull ache of heartbreak. Viktor realised in that moment as the water receded that he definitely should’ve been leaving his house more. He realised how much happier he would’ve been if he’d just pushed himself down to the rink every now and then. Viktor wished for nothing more than to a professional skater in that moment. He wanted something to occupy himself with, he wanted something to motivate himself to get up every morning. He wanted his passions back, he threw one away to keep other but ended up losing both in the end. 

 

A few minutes later Viktor realised he’d just been day dreaming and had completely missed the warm up and he realised he wouldn’t be able to see Yuuri on the ice for a while. Viktor learnt back in the blue chair that was up in the stands and watched Chris who was up first, dance around on the ice, looking amazing, but at the back of his mind knowing he wasn’t as good as Yuuri. He watched rest of the various short programs, knowing each one was probably packed with challenge and emotion but finding every single one of them bland and boring, and as time went on they all bled together. That is, until Yuuri stepped out onto the ice. Viktor watched him as he shrugged off his jacket and pushed himself to the centre of the ice, face cast down, ignoring the cheering of the crowds. The music started and Viktor watched as Yuuri looked up at the ceiling, pushing from his position on the ice. Viktor watched as Yuuri perfected every move and filled it with such emotion. Viktor knew what his short program was about, he knew what his theme for this season was: loss. Viktor had been shocked when Yuuri announced it, he had been expecting for Yuuri not to dwell on it, but of course, the ice was the only place he could show any emotion. Viktor knew that Yuuri was repressing every emotion he stumbled across, he knew Yuuri missed him, and he knew that the only place Yuuri could show that was here, in a costume as white as ice. As Viktor watched Yuuri, he knew that Yuuri was reliving all their time together, that he was thinking about everything they’d ever done together. Viktor may have been away from Yuuri for seven months, but they were together for four years and Viktor knew Yuuri better than himself. While, yes, sometimes Viktor did forget what Yuuri was like and how reacted to things, but it was nothing like the ice to bring back all of that. Yuuri and Viktor fell in love on the ice, of course, they’d end things in the exact same place. 

 

Yuuri’s SP ended and Yuuri was quickly exiting the ice, looking like he wanted to get off of it as soon as could. Everyone knew that with that kind of performance, Yuuri would have at least beaten his own personal record. Viktor watched as Yuuri sat in the kiss and cry and they announced his scores, and just like Viktor had predicted, he’d broken his personal best and was now in the lead. Although Yuuri seemed very drained and much more tired than he usually did after a skate, he did look happy to see that he’d pushed himself more than he ever had before. 

 

The last skate took to the ice and Viktor ignored him, looking at his phone instead and reading articles about Yuuri. A lot of them focused on how Viktor didn’t seem to be by Yuuri’s side anymore, but Viktor didn’t care about those. He didn’t care about what anyone had to say about them, he didn’t care what the rumours were, he only cared about Yuuri. 

 

Half an hour later, Viktor and retired back to his hotel room, Yuuri’s short program running through his mind. Viktor didn’t expect for Yuuri to already be breaking personal bests, Viktor could never even win gold when he was going through all of this. Viktor marvelled at Yuuri’s strength. Marvelled at Yuuri’s strength and felt his own disappear– it was no secret that found his own emotional strength pathetic. At that point Viktor wondered if there was a piece of him that wasn’t pathetic, finding all of his strong points left him. Before Viktor could be sucked further into a hole of self-pity, his phone buzzed to life and his heart skipped a beat, desperately hoping it was Yuuri but after looking at the screen he found it was only Chris. 

 

Viktor answered, muttering a weak ‘hello.’

 

“Viktor! Where were you today? I couldn’t find you anywhere after the short programs started!” Chris exclaimed, already knowing that Viktor was hiding away in the stands, only ask to see if he had started being honest with himself. 

 

“You know I was in the stands, Chris. There’s no point in lying about it, everyone already knows I couldn’t stomach being so close to Yuuri again,” Viktor replied plainly. 

 

“Well, I’m glad you’re being honest with me,” Chris said back, ignoring the glumness in Viktor’s tone and continuing to talk cheerfully. “I was wondering if you’d like to get dinner tonight?”

 

Viktor agreed without a second thought, knowing after today that the healing process is better spent outdoors with friends rather than your own dusty, lonely apartment. Chris seemed very happy that he had agreed, telling Viktor to meet him in the lobby at seven before hanging up. Viktor got off of his bed and looked in the body length mirror, deciding quickly change before heading downstairs. He decided against it, choosing to relax in his bedroom for a while before seeing Chris. Viktor quickly checked he had his wallet and phone near him so he could leave as late as possible, but found his wallet was nowhere to be found. 

 

~

 

“Yuuri! That’s enough practising for today! It’s six thirty and you’re still here skating– you need to go back to the hotel and rest. I know you've been tired lately,” Celestion shouted at Yuuri who was running through his free skate. 

 

“I just need to get this into my head– just a couple more times, please?” Yuuri pleaded, but Celestion shook his head, urging Yuuri to get off of the ice. 

 

“Come with me Yuuri,” Celestion said once Yuuri had taken off his skates and put on his sneakers, walking out of the rink and up some stairs. Yuuri followed, knowing that he was taking him to the empty stands. Once they reached the seats, they both took a seat and looked out onto the empty arena. “I used to do this when I was younger. I came up here and look down at the rink and envision my routine. I used to see myself do perfectly, nail all my jumps and perfect my technique. Look down there, Yuuri. Watch yourself doing that program, watch yourself capture the artistry,” Celestino suggestion, staring at Yuuri who was trying his hardest to see himself on the ice tomorrow. Yuuri saw the ice, and he saw a tiny figure in a light grey costume, similar to his short program’s, only a few shades darker– going from bright and angel-like to boring and mundane. As Yuuri tried to see himself performing the free skate with his heart and soul, all he saw was a broken heart and a sad performance. Yes, a technically perfect performance, but a sad one nonetheless. Yuuri pouring his heart and soul into that routine would mean accepting that he and Viktor were completely over, that he and Viktor were done for. He didn’t want that, yes he wanted gold, but he didn’t want to accept that he and Viktor were completely over. Yuuri’s free skate was so much harder than he had anticipated. He thought in front the crowds, on the ice, it would just all fall together, but it never did. Yuuri was still hoping there was another round this, another perspective on his free skate, another way to perform it. Yuuri sighed and told Celestino that they should head back to the hotel, giving up trying to perfect the routine. 

 

As Celestino was grabbing his and Yuuri’s bags, Yuuri saw a flash of silver in the corner of his eye, quickly turning to the source. Spotting a metallic, silver wallet on one of the seats down the row, he picked it up and inspected it. Yuuri instantly knew that it was Viktor’s wallet. Who else would match their possessions to the colour of their hair? Yuuri couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with curiosity, any chance to take a peek into Viktor’s life he would cherish. Yuuri looked at the various membership cards for different shops; the various credit cards. Yuuri peaked into the cash section to see it almost bare, sparring a few notes and a crumpled piece of paper. Yuuri pulled it out, expecting it to be some receipt, knowing that he was beyond pathetic for missing Viktor so much that he wanted to know what he was buying. To his surprise, it wasn’t a receipt, it was a note. A note that Yuuri distinctly remembers he writing. 

 

_ ‘Please do not send any of my stuff back to me– do whatever you like with it. Please don’t call or text me.  _

 

_ I love you,  _

_ Katsuki Yuuri’ _

 

Yuuri instantly felt overwhelmed joy, albeit a little confused, but mostly filled with happiness. His brain was internally screaming with joy, shouting that his ex-fiancé carried this around with him. Yuuri could imagine Viktor pulling this out and reading it over and over again, feeling hopeful after reading it. Yuuri smiled at the note before stuffing it back in the wallet and putting it back on the seat where he’d found it. Yuuri quickly scampered out of there, following Celestino. Yuuri didn’t know what this meant for him and Viktor, but right now he hadn’t felt this happy is so long, and he was happy to relish in it before thinking about it too hard. Yuuri and Celestino made their way back to the hotel, eating dinner quickly and then falling asleep as soon as they could. 

 

~

 

Viktor had searched the room top to bottom and was now searching the arena, on his way to the stands where he was sitting. As he walking up the stairs the connected to where he was headed, he heard a faint familiar voice. 

 

“...Look down there, Yuuri. Watch yourself doing that program, watch yourself capture the artistry,” the clearly male voice said, Viktor’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the name Yuuri, becoming very curious as to what they were doing up there. Viktor silently walked up the last few steps before peeking his head around the corner, to see coach Celestino resting in one of the blue chairs while Yuuri, who was sitting next to him, was hunched over with a concentrated look on his face. Viktor’s first thought was why there were here so late, and what was Yuuri thinking about? Viktor wanted more than anything to go up to Yuuri and ask what was wrong and try to help him. Those thoughts were soon pushed to the back of his mind as he realised they’d probably be leaving soon and Viktor didn’t have all the time in the world to take in the sight of Yuuri Katsuki. Viktor tried as hard as possible to cram every inch of Yuuri into his mind, the way he sat, his dishevelled hair, the missing gold ring on his hand. Viktor watched Yuuri sigh and tell Celestino they should pack up and go, he watched Celestino pack all their bags, but more importantly, he watched Yuuri pick up a silver wallet. Viktor’s eyes widened as the realisation that the note Yuuri had left him was in there– if Yuuri found it, he’d be mortified. He watched as Yuuri pulled out his membership cards and prayed and prayed that he didn’t find the note. Alas, Viktor’s wishes did not come true as Yuuri pulled out the note. Viktor felt everything in slow motion, he saw the flash of emotions on Yuuri’s face as he read. The confused look, the surprised widening of his, all right before his mouth broke out into a smile. Viktor felt go himself grow hot red at the embarrassment but the happy look Yuuri had on his face flushed that all away. Yuuri was happy? Viktor started grinning, matching Yuuri’s joyed face. Viktor imagined so many scenarios in his head. He imagined stepping out towards Yuuri and asking if he had something of his, Yuuri blushing and then them engaging in a passionate kiss. He imagined the thoughts running through Yuuri’s head. He imagined Yuuri feeling full of hope that Viktor still wanted to get back together with him. Viktor could barely contain himself. 

 

He saw Yuuri tuck the note back into the wallet and set it down on the chair before asking Celestino if he was ready to go. Viktor fled after that moment, not wanting to be found. He watched as Yuuri and Celestino left and noted the still very present smile on Yuuri’s lips.

 

Viktor went back to pick up his wallet, thoughts continuing to run through his head. The first few minutes were happy thoughts, hopeful thoughts, but they quickly turned sour. He wondered if Yuuri was so happy about finding the note, why hadn’t he said that he liked him back, or made some kind of effort to contact him again? Was Yuuri happy because he knew Viktor was still hung up on him and he found it funny that after all this time he still loved him? Was it all part of some master plan of Yuuri’s? Viktor stopped himself and decided to not think about it for any longer. His last thought seemed a little bit  _ too _ much. 

 

~

 

“You’re late,” Chris said as Viktor approached him from the front of the hotel lobby. “You’re smiling!” Chris almost shouted once he realised, that yes, Viktor was smiling. 

 

“Yes, I’m late,” Viktor said smugly. “Also smiling.”

 

“Tell. Me. Everything,” Chris becoming increasingly happy at Viktor’s cheerful mood– it had been so long since Viktor had been  _ cheerful _ . Viktor thought about just spilling everything to Chris in that moment, but he knew that Chris would say something along the lines ‘this isn’t helping you recover from Yuuri, which you should be doing.’ He knew he would tell Chris eventually, but he just wanted to hold the happiness for a little longer. 

 

“I shall tell you over dinner,” Viktor told Chris as he linked arms with the man and they walked out the door and hailed down a taxi. Viktor, in Russian, told the taxi cab driver the restaurant he wanted to go to and they drove away, leaving the hotel behind. 

 

“Viktor, you’re so sexy when you speak Russian,” Chris teased in a girly voice, relishing in the fact Viktor was in a good mood and teasing him to his heart's content.

 

“Only if you speak Swedish, Chris,” Viktor replied, grinning. 

 

“Knulla mig, pappa,” Chris said in a low voice, trying his hardest not to giggle. 

 

“ Я такой возбужденный,” Viktor replied laughing. 

 

Not too long after they’d left, the cab pulled up outside a vintage styled restaurant, Chris and Viktor getting out of the cab and pairing their fares. Chris hurried inside, urgently needing to find a table and order some food so Viktor could tell him why he was so happy, but the fact alone that Viktor wouldn’t tell him straight away was a bit suspicious, hinting that what Viktor was hiding wasn’t completely okay and most likely had something to do with Yuuri. But Chris didn’t mind that much– Viktor was happy and giggly and Chris was so glad to have the old Viktor back. 

 

They found a booth to sit at and before they knew it they had drinks in their hands and had ordered. 

 

“So, Viktor, tell me, why are you smiling?” Chris asked, a playful smile painting his lips. 

 

“I left my wallet at the rink,” Viktor started, leaning back and crossing his arms, “so about half an hour ago I went over to collect it, and there was Yuuri sitting up in the stands, talking with his coach, right?” Chris nodded. “They don’t notice me continue with what they were doing, but just as they leave, Yuuri finds and picks up my wallet, and I realise, oh shit, the note that Yuuri wrote my seven months ago saying he loved me was in there.” 

 

“Oh shit,” Chris mimicked, following the story.  

 

“But of course, after Yuuri has gone through every damn card in there, he finds the note, and you know what he does when he sees it? Smiles. He fucking smiled, like that lovey-dovey smile!” Viktor finished, waving his hands around in the air in excitement. Viktor saw Chris’s eyes widen in wonderment, he saw Chris open his mouth to say something, but instead just closed it again, trying to find the words to respond. 

 

“Wow,” Chris breathed, leaning back in his chair. “So, he stills loves you then?” 

 

“I guess, so,” Viktor replied, still smiling. 

 

“But, Viktor, this doesn’t mean you can reverse all the progress you’ve made with getting over, Yuuri. He may still love you but he made his decision clear– he doesn’t want to be with you and you have to accept that,” Chris told him, a comforting smile across his face. 

 

“How can I?” Viktor meant his words, he had no idea how he could move on with this knowledge. He didn’t know how he could lose hope that he could still be with Yuuri. 

 

“Ignore him,” Chris suggested, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing. Viktor thought about the words. Ignoring his Yuuri? He could never do that, he could never push the thoughts of Yuuri from his mind. He was always thinking about him, his whole life revolved around him. He could never ignore him. 

 

“Impossible.” 

 

~

 

The day of the free skate was here and Yuuri, after yesterday, felt like a completely new person. He felt thrilled and beyond happy to be skating. He wasn’t the least bit worried about his free skate like he had been previously. He’d slept better than he had in months and he woke up with a smile on his face. His free program had clicked, it worked out in his head and he knew he could win. He knew he would– and it was all because of what happened last night. The wallet, the note, and the hope that came with it. Viktor had told him that he still had feelings for the other before, but it had never really sunk in until that moment. It never occurred to Yuuri that Viktor really meant what he had said. That whole conversation and gone over his head, it was all a blur. But that note was as clear as day. Yuuri watched the others skaters take to the ice, and for once in his life, he wasn’t worried about them. 

 

The time for Yuuri to skate eventually arrived, and he slid to the centre of the arena with ease, taking slow breaths as he looked to the ceiling, his eyes briefly going to the stands where he knew Viktor would be sitting. Yuuri’s eyes flashed over the head of silver hair before coming to rest at the ceiling. Yuuri heard his music start and pushed off, beginning his routine. He knew within seconds that he’d encaptured the audience, that he’d surprised them, just like Viktor surprised everyone. Yuuri knew they were all marvelling at him in wonderment. He knew they were all wondering what changed, they were wondering had happened to the Yuuri who couldn’t perform this routine. Yes, Yuuri was doing all the same jumps and step sequences and he was in the same costume. But the routine was so different, it was so full of hope and new beginnings, it was so fresh and new, so unexplored. Yuuri was paving a path along the ice, extending his arm during jumps, getting him extra points, but also reaching out as far as he could, trying to touch as much of the arena as he could. Trying to reach for something new. Yuuri felt so rejuvenated, he felt like a new person. He felt an era may have ended, but he was the one to pave the path to the new one. 

 

~

 

Yuuri didn’t care about the scores, he didn’t care about the gold medal around his neck as he stood on the podium, he didn’t care about Chris standing next to him, he didn’t care about the skater to his right whose name he’d forgotten. Yuuri cared about what he was feeling in that moment. He felt brand new, and for the first time, he felt excited about the future. 


	9. and now someone’s gonna get to know the better you, when i was supposed to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is very short and kind of a mess also its nearly 1am help me  
> BUT i've actually planned the rest of this so hopefully i will not abandon it! I think there'll be a total of twenty chapters which means 11 more to go! i still havent made a posting schedule and i upload these as i write them so they'll probably still be like two chapters a month if you're lucky (P.S if you're reading this in the future i really hope i finished this but im sorry if i didn't except you'll never know if i have abandoned it because sometimes i wont write a chapter for something for three months and then ill come back to it and churn out 4 chapters so ?? you'll never know)  
> also pls remember that a couple chaps ago yuuri had sex with a stranger 
> 
> ok im going to bed now pls leave comments 4 me to wake up 2 thanks

_ Yes, Viktor was unbelievably sad and feeling hopeless, but also, he was so very shocked. He couldn’t believe Yuuri would do that to him. Viktor, slumped onto his couch, recovering from a hangover, thought. He’d broken up with Viktor, he’d ran away and moved back to Detroit. He’d left Viktor. Viktor had never thought once in a million years that Yuuri would hurt him so badly. He’d had past lovers, where yes, they were definitely those kind of people, the kind of people who lure you in only to then turn away when they got wanted, the kind of people who up and leave out of nowhere, the kind of people who breaks hearts– but not Yuuri. It was so unexpected, so quick. Yuuri was acting slightly strange the couple weeks previously, but Viktor had just brushed it off to what Viktor had done at Worlds. Yuuri would push him away, would keep his distance, but when Viktor did have his way, and they were being close and intimate, Yuuri thoroughly enjoyed it, he’d held onto it and dragged it out like he’d never experience it again. Which Viktor guessed was probably a sign. Still, it was unexpected. They weren’t arguing or fighting, and they said they loved each other every night until it happened. They’d been so  _ _ normal _ _. And after four years? If Yuuri knew he didn’t want to be with Viktor after all why did he stay with him so long? He’d stayed through so many fights, he’d stayed through Worlds. They’d made up after Worlds, they sat down and talked it out. They’d apologised– Viktor apologised. They’d returned back to normal after Worlds, and he had still left. Viktor thought they were so in love, he thought they were the world’s best couple. Viktor didn’t know any other couple that looked like him and Yuuri. They had held the love of the century. Viktor wished he could get inside of Yuuri’s head and figure it all out. Viktor guessed he’d never know, and if he did know, it’d be a long time until that information reached him. Until then, he buckled himself in for one long, painful ride. _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ “No, Phichit, I’m not talking about it,” Yuuri argued through a door, dripping wet from recently stepping out of the shower.  _

 

_ “You spent the night with a stranger after a giant break up and you’re not going to talk to me about it? I thought I was your best friend Yuuri– you could at least tell me about the guy,” Phichit whined, sitting on the floor and leaning on the door to Yuuri’s bedroom. “Pleeaaasee.”  _

 

_ “Fine. Will you just let me get dressed?”  Phichit squealed and agreed, patiently waiting outside his door, still leaning on the white wood.  _

 

_ A few minutes later, Yuuri opened the door, leaving Phichit to fall onto his feet.  _

 

_ “Your feet smell clean,” Phichit noted, getting up off the floor. “So, tell me everything.”  _

 

_ Yuuri shrugged before speaking, “It’s kind of a blur, this past month has been a blur.” Yuuri sighed, taking steps towards the lounge room, Phichit following behind. He plopped himself down and stared at the black television, thinking back to when it was turned on and he could distract himself and Phichit from asking any questions. The tv was off and there were no distractions, no decoys. Yuuri had agreed to make sense of his feelings and express them in the quietness of their apartment that still didn’t feel home.  _

 

_ “I wanted to go out on my own, I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to not feel Viktor by my side for once, I wanted to be independent again,” Yuuri started again, as they’d settled into the couch. “I was anxious, I’d forgotten what it was like to feel like everyone was staring at you because you walked funny or you’d worn shirt backwards and you constantly felt like someone was about to burst out laughing at you– or worse, they’d just silently judge you. I forgot what it was like to be a socially anxious person walking all alone. It’s not pleasant, but in some weird way, it felt like me. It felt like ‘Katsuki Yuuri,’ albeit an underdeveloped ‘Katsuki Yuuri,’ but ‘Katsuki Yuuri The Anxious Guy,’ not ‘The Guy Who’s Name I’ve Forgotten But I Know He’s Viktor Nikiforov’s Fiancé.’” Yuuri explained, shocked at the words coming out of his own mouth. He’d never vocalised this before, hell– he’d barely thought about it. But he was talking and it was coming from a place inside of him that was very much real and pushed back so far inside his brain it felt relieving to say it.  _

 

_ “But Yuuri, it’s not good to wear your anxiety as your identity, it’s not a personality,” Phichit noted, a concerned look painting his face.  _

 

_ “I know it isn’t, but it’s me, and I’ll get to a place where I’m not my anxiety, where I’m ‘Katsuki Yuuri…’” Yuuri drifted off, waving his hands in the air. “I don’t know what kind of Katsuki Yuuri I’ll be, but I’ll be Katsuki Yuuri, I won’t be Viktor’s Fiancé. I know it’s stupid to say this at nearly twenty eight, but I’m still finding myself. And after last night, after sleeping with some dude, I now know the Katsuki Yuuri I am doesn’t like one night stands. Or waking up in stranger’s beds.”  _

 

_ “So, you did sleep with a guy!” _

 

_ “Yes, I slept with a guy who the face of hasn’t stuck with me– I think he had blue eyes, though,” Yuuri questioned himself, trying as hard as possible to remember the past night’s events but finding that nothing was coming to him, all of it lost to the alcohol.  _

 

_ “Sounds dreamy– sounds like Viktor,” Phichit replied, cocking an eyebrow. _

 

_ “You talk about him like he’s just a face on a poster on my bedroom wall that I had a crush on,” Yuuri laughed. “It was good then, wasn’t it? I miss back then.” _

 

_ “What? When we ate two minute noodles every night and watched the same movies over and over because we couldn’t afford netflix? But we’re not like that anymore, I’m on the brink of retiring and you’re on a new big adventure. We’re different people,” Phichit reminded him. “I get that it was so much simpler back then, but I love how we are now. I love that you’re still my best friend and I love that we both still have so much do– so much to explore. Our lives aren’t just skating anymore, there’s more out there.” _

 

_ “Like one night stands and a netflix subscription,” Yuuri giggled. He let his head fall back against the couch, staring up at the off-white ceiling. He had done it– he had told Phichit. He’d let himself relax and let himself talk about his feelings. While yes, he never wanted to do this again, he’d faced his fears, and he’d talked about something that related to Viktor without choking on tears and embarrassing himself. The fear of being judged at talking about his feelings was still very much present, but he knew Phichit was there for him if he was desperate.  _

 

_ “So, why did you leave him? I know it wasn’t just because of World’s, I know it wasn’t because he didn’t care about you anymore,” Phichit said, startling Yuuri. “I know you’re lying to me, Yuuri. I think you’re lying to yourself, too. Why did you do it?” _

 

_ “I…” Yuuri started, starting to say something on auto-pilot, before realising it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. It wasn’t something that was ready to talk about yet, it was still in the oven, undercooked. “I don’t want to talk about this.” _

 

_ “No, Yuuri. You’re going to,” Phichit almost whined, not wanting his Yuuri to shut himself out again. Yuuri looked away from Phichit in fear he would start crying.  _

 

_ “I don’t know Phichit,” Yuuri replied, his voice sounding angry but his volume barely reaching a whisper. “Maybe I’ll never know,” and with those words, Yuuri knew he’d started started talking and it would be hard to stop. “Maybe I was drugged, maybe I started hating him when I moved in with him but denied because nobody can hate Viktor Nikiforov. Maybe he really is an awful person and even after leaving him because I subconsciously knew, I still can’t come to terms with it,” Yuuri rambled, his voice angry, but every now and then his voice would crack signalling the break that would come. “Maybe it’s me, maybe I was treating him badly and I knew that and left. Maybe I thought I wasn’t good enough– maybe he was too good for me. Maybe he was on a pedestal, and I constantly looked up to him, causing me to love him in a celebrity way, and not in a fiancé kind of way. Maybe I always looked up to him, and for once, I wanted him to look up at me. Maybe I hated him for that, or maybe I really did love him– maybe I just miss–” Yuuri stopped abruptly, finally registering the words flying out of his mouth. He knew what’d he said, he’d forgotten what he was going to say after, but he knew the kind of words that follow what he’d just said. He knew he’d crossed the line– the line between venting to a friend and humiliating yourself. Yuuri could feel his eyes puff up, he could feel his face flush. He knew he would cry, he knew he was humiliating himself. Yuuri had unboxed all of his baggage, he’d let it out. He realised the reason it hurt so much was because he wasn’t not ready to say this– it wasn’t undercooked. It was burnt, and Yuuri pulled it out of the oven without gloves on.  _

 

_ “Viktor? You miss Viktor?” Phichit prompted, his voice shy, knowing that truth wouldn’t sit well with Yuuri. “I know at some point those ‘maybe’s starting becoming truth. You weren’t drugged Yuuri, that I know. But you putting Viktor on a pedestal doesn’t sound so crazy.”  _

 

_ “Of course it does– I moved past that. He was my fiancé,” Yuuri spat back at Phichit, turning his head to look at his friend, showing his his red eyes, threatening to spill tears. “You don’t think of fiancé’s like that. You don’t hate your fiancé.” _

 

_ “Yuuri it’s okay… It’s understandable, how you felt and what you did. He did something shitty and you reevaluated everything. You realised that you didn’t feel equal, that you wanted to feel equal, you wanted for once to feel more valuable than him– albeit a little mean– understandable. And maybe during all of that mess, you realised you’d lost yourself to Viktor. You grew into Viktor, not beside him. It’s normal and it’s okay,” Phichit told him reassuringly, reaching out to pat his arm or hold his hand or some sort of gesture to show he meant every word he said– and he did.  _

 

_ “It’s not okay! I wouldn’t be like this– I wouldn’t be here if it was okay,” Yuuri argued back, tears finally falling from his eyes as he voice cracked a final time before bursting into sobs. Yuuri quickly left the couch and into his room, closing the door behind him. Phichit didn’t call after him, he knew better than that. It didn’t stop the crushing feeling in his chest as he heard faint cries and sobs coming from Yuuri’s room.  _

 

_ Hours later, when it was almost dinner time, Yuuri reemerged from his room, looking like he’d just woken up. Phichit lit up at the sight of Yuuri again, thinking he wouldn’t see that boy for days after.  _

 

_ “I made pasta– pesto pasta,” Phichit told Yuuri, quickly hurrying from the couch to the kitchen and making Yuuri a bowl of it and handing it to him, before returning to the couch and patting the spot next to him. Yuuri took it silently, a small smile on his lips as he sat next to Phichit.  _

 

_ Phichit explained the show he was currently watching before digging into his meal, watching Yuuri from the corner of his eye. The episode ended sooner than Yuuri had wanted, but it gave him enough time to be able to speak.  _

 

_ “Yuuri, I’m sorry about before. I pushed you,” Phichit apologised, setting his empty bowl on the coffee table. “Are you mad at me?” _

 

_ Yuuri waited a moment before speaking. “No. I’m mad at myself.” _

 

_ “Mad at yourself? But Yuuri, you haven’t done anything wrong!” Phichit argued.  _

 

_ “I have. I hurt you, I worried you. I didn’t say anything for so long,” Yuuri told him, taking a deep breath before talking again. “I think I hurt Viktor too.” Yuuri turned to look at Phichit, his face looking confused.  _

 

_ “But you needed to break up with him, you needed to do that.” _

 

_ “I did, I needed to. But I could’ve been nicer. I could’ve warned him, I could’ve gave him a sign. I could’ve kept in contact, I could’ve done it better,” Yuuri admitted.  _

 

_ ~ _

 

_ After Viktor thought about it for a while, in front of a dramatic russian soap opera, he realised that Yuuri was exactly the kind of person who would do that. Who would break your heart, who would get so caught up themselves they forgot the other had feelings too, the kind of person who felt so bad about themselves, others must’ve thought that too. Yuuri was the kind of person to up and leave out of nowhere, the kind of person who once thought too hard and then left. The kind of person who was selfish and fragile. The kind of person Viktor had fallen in love with.  _

 

_ Viktor looked around the apartment– it seemed so bare. Before, when Yuuri was here, it seemed lived in and full of life, even though the dishes were always done and the bed was always made. Even though Yuuri barely had any of his very own possessions in this apartment, it screamed that it was his. Now it was nothing– well it was Viktor’s. But Viktor was old and retired and just a once soon to be husband. Viktor wasn’t much. Not much without Yuuri anyway.  _

 

_ So Viktor was Viktor, Viktor with his gold medals and his precious routines and golden skates. And Yuuri was Yuuri. Yuuri who was out in the world, still skating– travelling across the globe. Becoming a better him. A better him that someone else would get to know, a better him that would fall in love with someone else. A Yuuri Katsuki that Viktor wanted, but would never meet. A Yuuri Katsuki that wasn’t in love with Viktor. A Yuuri Katsuki that was Yuuri Katsuki, not Yuuri Nikiforov-Katsuki.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it wasn't undercookt it was burnt (i like adding t's to things now like fuckt and pluckt but then i realised burnt already has a t on the end of it (;_;) )


	10. no one's moving, we lack the courage to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Phichit in a plane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short chapter, kinda like a bonus (?) chapter! (*´◡｀*) I've been having a really hard time writing this (and just writing in general bc I just lost a friend that meant the world to me and i miss! him! so! much! so writing is Hard when you can barely get out of bed,) so I've decided to put this on a hiatus for now, (like I was updating that much anyway (~_~;)) I might try to write some more things that are shorter and more self-indulgent rather than trying to write something super angsty and emotional. Anyway I just wanted to leave you this tiny short chapter of Yuuri and Phichit on a plane and it hasn't been edited and it's probably not that great but ヽ（・＿・；)ノ (also i got a tumblr for writing/yoi/gay stuff it's @bootydreams and if ur wondering how im doin or if im posting a new chapter or working on any new yoi fanfic u should hmu there!! ( ᵕ̤ ‧̫̮ ᵕ̤ ))

Airplanes were never a pleasant thing for Yuuri before he met Viktor– aeroplanes weren’t a big deal either, but after growing so accustomed to first class where they had big seats, the finest meals and champagne– economy class was just plain awful. And another thing that made flying even worse was Phichit sitting next to Yuuri, yapping in his ear– talking about the final, talking about Yuuri’s emotional state, talking about Viktor. Yuuri wished Phichit would just learn when Yuuri needed to be left alone and for once not be interrogated on his recovery after Viktor, which was eight months ago. Yuuri had just gotten settled– as much as he could– into his small cramped seat and was waiting for the plane to take off.

“So, it’s finally here. Your sixth Grand Prix Final– likely your last, how do you feel?” Phichit asked Yuuri in a news reporter type voice, the last words of ‘how do you feel’ echoing inside his head, taunting him, because even after eight months, the words still terrified him. They reminded him of how foolish he was– how weak he was. Weak because he was twenty-nine years old and he still couldn’t face them. He couldn’t talk about his feelings aloud, he couldn’t even talk about them quietly to himself. Ever since he could remember he’d always hidden his feelings, hidden them because they weren’t always pleasant, and they weren’t always helpful. His emotions sometimes ruined things or dragged things on longer than they should. There was always a voice that told him that he was better off without his negative feelings. A voice that told him they were a burden and intolerable; that no one should have to deal with his feelings, or Yuuri himself. So, maybe the words had taunted him even before the whole debacle with Viktor, but after finally overcoming them with Viktor, losing him amplified all of it. The words just uttered by Phichit carried so much weight Yuuri could’ve broken down crying right then and there. 

But he didn’t. He didn’t because he was being dramatic and he was tired and stressed. They were just words, words that could be easily answered with a white lie of “Fine.” 

“Fine? It’s your last GPF, I know you’re feeling a whole lot more than ‘fine.’ I’ve been your friend for nearly ten goddamn years, Yuuri– you can tell me if you’re feeling nervous or stressed because I know you are,” Phichit almost whined, his frustration with Yuuri barely shining through his ‘I love my best friend and he could never make me upset’ voice. 

“Okay then, I’m feeling nervous and stressed because it’s my last time doing this and I want it to go well,” Yuuri deadpanned, hoping that it would satisfy Phichit because he really wanted to survive this flight in this horribly cramped seat without Phichit trying to get Yuuri to open up and get a taste of what it was like inside his head– to see the surface of all those feelings bubbling deep beneath. 

“Good, now tell me how you feel about seeing Viktor on your lunch date,” Phichit demanded, not even dancing around the fact that he wanted Yuuri to talk about his feelings– for Yuuri to open up, but not in a dramatic way like when someone was confessing their love for someone, in the way that best friends were with each other, because the walls Yuuri had put up around himself were starting to eat away at his thoughts, and Phichit was barely fending off the voice in his head that told him Yuuri put up those walls because he simply did not like nor need Phichit in his life, but he knew it was more complicated than that. “You’re stuck in this plane for a good amount hours, you can’t avoid me, Yuuri.”

Phichit watched as Yuuri took a deep breath as if he was going to start talking, but the words never came. Yuuri dropped his head to the back of his seat, staring at the ceiling, mulling over what to say. He knew Phichit was right, there was no avoiding that question now. “I miss travelling in first class,” Yuuri decided on, hoping it would get the message across. It took Phichit a minute, but when he finally caught Yuuri’s drift his eyes widened with excitement, finally being able to get Yuuri to say something of importance, even if it was through a metaphor, (or whatever you’d call what Yuuri was doing.) 

“Well that’s understandable, seeing as you had access to that luxury for such a long time, even if you don’t plan or want to go back to first class flying,” Phichit responded. 

“I don’t want to go back– too expensive,” Yuuri said back to him, watching Phichit’s jaw drop at the fact it was the first time Yuuri was talking about missing Viktor, confidently. 

“Sometimes it’s worth the price, though.” 

“I guess, for some people.” After those words, Phichit knew Yuuri had closed himself off again and the conversation about flying first class had died, and there was no way he was getting anything out of Yuuri using that metaphor. Phichit knew his only hope was to talk about it directly, like his original plan. He knew it would probably tick Yuuri off, but he surprised him a couple minutes ago, maybe he could do the same now. 

“Do you want him back, Yuuri? Do you want to be with Viktor again?” the Thai man asked slowly, slightly scared by the other man’s response. 

Yuuri’s jaw clenched. The muscles in legs contracted. ‘How do you feel’ was nothing in compared to that question. Yuuri didn’t want to answer that question– he’d rather jump out of the plane than answer that question. He didn’t even know the answer to that question, and he definitely did not want to know it. Yuuri had never related to the statement ‘ignorance is bliss’ so much before. Although the plane between not knowing the answer to what Phichit was asking and pushing down what he knew about the subject didn’t seem blissful at all. 

Minutes passed in silence after that question while Yuuri desperately tried to fend off his thoughts about the topic. It never occurred to Yuuri that if he really didn’t want to be with Viktor, he would’ve just said it straight from the start, not coded in memories of first-class flying– but of course, Yuuri was too busy trying to convince himself that he didn’t want Viktor back to notice that obvious fact. 

Yuuri never came to a conclusion or forced an answer out of himself in response to that question. He sat and thought about it for a solid amount of time, but his thoughts trailed elsewhere, and he found himself back in the corner of his mind that wasn’t guarded or hard to reach– the place in his mind that told him he still loved Viktor, because there was nothing on this earth that could cover it up. Maybe it was surprising seeing as he couldn’t even think about a future that included Viktor in any way, but Yuuri knew he loved Viktor. He didn’t know if he could ever return back to Viktor or if he even wanted to, but he knew there would always be a place in his heart for Viktor, whether there was a place for him in his future or not. He loved Viktor, and he was slowly getting used to the idea that he missed him too, which was why the next couple of days were going to cause utter chaos inside of Yuuri’s head. He just needed to make it through a couple of days. He’d deal with the next couple days, and then he’d deal with the fact that he did totally miss Viktor.

**Author's Note:**

> my gay tumblr sideblog is bootydreams (sounds like a sex blog but I promise it's Not,) ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ and if you follow it i will love u forever! i will also really love anyone who leaves kudos and/or comments! thanks for reading!! (/^▽^)/


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